without having someone to look forward to things with, to anticipate messages from, to buy gifts for and spend time together, i just feel like theres nothing worth living for. i dont know how to enjoy things on my own, all my hobbies and interests feel so bland. i go to work and i dont have anything i want to spend money on so it feels pointless. i just want someone to spend my life with, to pour my energy into, but i dont think its going to happen.

​

I’m a F29, and I’ve been through a few relationships, which has allowed me to recognize a pattern: I always seem to lose my spark when I’m in a relationship. Some of those relationships were unhealthy, while others weren’t.

After being in unhealthy relationships and now being with someone who is genuinely great, I’m starting to realize that I might be the problem, and BPD doesn’t exactly help either. I don’t know if it has to do with my diagnosis, but I feel like my identity starts to dissolve when I’m with someone. Everything becomes about the other person, and my sense of self seems to depend on what’s happening in their life and what they do or don’t do for me.

I’ve been in a relationship for almost a year. We’re long-distance, but we see each other every two weeks, sometimes even more often, since we don’t live that far apart.

Once again, I’ve noticed that my spark is fading, and I don’t think he’s the one causing it, as might happen in an abusive relationship. He’s supportive, makes me feel valued, is attentive and caring, and constantly encourages me to maintain my individuality.

I guess you could describe me as a functional emotional dependent, lol, because I don’t stop pursuing my hobbies, doing things on my own, or spending quality time with other people. I go to therapy, exercise, and take my medication. The problem is that even when I make an effort to maintain my individuality, I’m not fully present in it because, somehow, part of my mind is always on him. I still have fun and exciting moments with my friends, but it feels like it’s just not the same anymore.

This bothers me and makes me angry because I can feel that I’ve lost a part of myself, and I don’t know how to get it back. I’m already doing part of what I know I should be doing, which is not abandoning other areas of my life.

I’ve also noticed that I become extremely needy, and everything that happens in my partner’s life outside our relationship starts to feel like a threat to my own life, as if anything that has nothing to do with us as a couple is somehow a threat to me. I know how problematic this is, and I’m working on it in therapy so that it doesn’t spill over into the relationship or hurt me either. But I’m mentioning it because even something relatively minor happening in his life seems to put me on high alert, and I’ve noticed that this constant state of alertness makes it harder for me to focus on the things I do for myself.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation? Women with BPD who manage to fully maintain their individuality in a relationship, how do you do it?

It's easy, right? Everyone does it. What's there to be afraid of? Lose a friend, just make a new one. Lose a partner, go ahead and cry for a few days. You'll get over it soon enough. You just have to let go.

I wish it was that easy for me. I wish I could just let go the way everyone else does. It's never the same between us. I have to ante up far more than you and far more than you'll ever know.

Sometimes the rage I feel is maddening. Worse, it's not even seen as valid. It makes me a mockery.

Hi everyone. I don't usually post on Reddit, but I feel like I need other perspectives, and maybe your opinions can help me.

About four months ago, my FP left. I had developed a series of romantic feelings for her (I still don't know if they were real or just due to my attachment), but they were never reciprocated. According to her, she always saw me as a friend, even though, from my point of view, the signs were confusing. Eventually, she found a partner, and that's when she decided it was best for us to distance ourselves until, and I quote, "my romantic feelings disappear." I wish this could happen, but we all know it doesn't work that way.

I've been grieving ever since, but I think about her every day. I feel like I'm not moving forward, like I can't get her out of my head. I hate feeling so deeply. I know this isn't a linear process, but I feel like I'm not progressing at all. I feel like if she wrote to me again, I'd fall at her feet again.

The loneliness is also consuming me. I feel deeply hurt and betrayed, and I don't feel capable of connecting with anyone because I feel like they'll leave, that I'm not enough, or that they don't experience relationships the same way I do. I have no interests or any kind of motivation. I'm functional, I work, and I can seem socially "normal," but inside I feel profoundly alone and out of place. I've gotten past the stage where I wanted to die, but now I can't find any "why," because I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. I've tried to make peace with this idea, and to think that it's also okay to be alone, but it's not what I want, and I feel like my life would be meaningless this way.

Please forgive me because I don't know if anything I'm writing makes sense, but I needed to vent.

i recently got diagnosed with bpd and ive realized a huge pattern. everywhere my mom goes, usually (online) support groups, act as areas for friends, partners and family of someone with bpd to find understand while coping themselves. among diving deeper, you usually find its an echochamber of people spreading harmful stereotypes of people with bpd, usually that they feel no remorse, always are abusive, and should never be given chances even with therapy. even worse, ive tried to spread information from the dsm5 to a couple of these spaces because of how misinformed they tend to be, only to find they have rules against people with bpd being there? if youre there to help people with bpd and their relatives and friends, why cant they be there? we are seeing through your shit 😭

I'm in a bathroom stall crying my eyes out writing this because I just can't do it anymore. I'm in my first semester of university (did a foundation year in home country) and everything is so fucking overwhelming. I'm an international student for context.

I (18F) came to this country alone, I prayed everyday that my roommate would be somebody sensible and nice. I even applied for a single dorm because I know I can't handle living with someone else. I ended up with the most obnoxious bitch on planet Earth. Pardon my French. I have misophonia so my view of things may be skewed but my god even a non-sufferer would be annoyed. All she does is eat loudly and stay in bed. I wish just one time I could rest in my dorm without her there. She's constantly slamming cabinets and doors, DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USE HER KEYS SO I ALWAYS HAVE TO UNLOCK THE DOOR FOR HER/LOCK IT BEHIND HER, and shouting on the phone. I can hear her through my noise canceling headphones paired with white noise on max volume.

I'm only on week 3 and I feel so behind on everything.. I don't understand any of my classes, barely any of my classmates speak English, hell even some of my professors can barely speak it. The only friend I made started flirting with me and I shut it down immediately, so he naturally started ignoring me.

I just want to go home. I don't know why I chose a hard major or a move to a different country because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. My parents already paid a full year's tuition. I feel sick to my stomach.

An hour ago my roommate asked if I was mad at her and instead of saying yes my dumbass said no and then ignored her. I told my dad and he got mad at me for not talking to her. I don't know why I didn't, I'm genuinely such an idiot. I'm too scared to even set up a meeting with an RA because I feel like im being overdramatic and it's not worth all the trouble moving my room (just the thought of having to repack is giving me dread) + I was told single rooms aren't availabile.

I've been crying non stop for the past three days because i can't handle any of this anymore. People keep asking me if I'm okay because I look mad, and I do genuinely feel like I'm on the verge of a crashout. I feel like at some point I'm going to snap at my roommate and just scream. My campus doesn't have a counselor.

Im just curious. Ive was diagnosed w bpd a few years ago but my psychiatrist thinks i might have developed it really early. I realise i always go through a big wave of self loathing every time i have an outburst or if i split even if i dont take it out on people. Even if there is no one around and i just crash out, its always followed by this wave of extreme annoyance at myself and then after a few hours i feel all hollow inside. I don’t know many other ppl with bpd so im just curious if anyone goes through something like this and why it happens

I want to get a diagnosis to confirm what’s wrong with me. I have no idea how to tell my mum this. I’m 18 and my mum doesn’t let me go anywhere without her knowing, so this would have to be run by her anyway. Id also like someone to be there with me too.

I’m scared because im studying to be a health professional, i don’t know if a diagnosis would hinder that.

I really want student learning accomodations in uni, it’s been really hard without.

I have no idea about anything or how it all works. I’ve always known something was wrong with me but i refused to accept it and thought everyone else in my life were the enemies. I want to get help, i don’t want to be this way forever

I often find myself reading my journals, diaries, old school notebooks, book annotations, or looking through my phone gallery and instagram archive. I do it at least 4-5 days a week. It messes with my day-to-day functionality, makes me live in the past more than in the present, makes it harder to move on from people that I no longer talk to, and reminds me of terrible things I've said and done to people. I generally do it bc something triggered a certain memory and I end up going down the rabbit hole of checking everything, or when I feel like I don't know who I am, so I have to rely on my past memories to know what I like and how I feel about things. Does anyone else relate? And how do you manage this?

Like, let's say hypothetically that you know you have bpd and you're going to do what you need to do to treat it either way.

I've seen so many therapists who seemed very reluctant to diagnose BPD (citing stigma, supposedly medical discrimination(?), the tendency for people to lean into preconceptions and actually do worse than they were, and pointing out that the recommended treatment for bpd is essentially the same anyway).

Is being diagnosed really worse? Is it better? Did I screw myself over by getting diagnosed? I know I have BPD, no doubt about it. I guess I'm worried that everything will be harder/worse just because I was diagnosed.

Is anyone else hella empty and want to chat and befriend each other? In other subreddits, 99.99% of the time it just attracts horny men who don’t even read the content of your post, so maybe there would be some form of shared experience/understanding here. If you’re around my age (19) hmu (especially if you can command a conversation, cause I don’t have much faith in myself, welp)

1.5 y ago i got diagnosed with bpd after maybe 6mo of symptoms then got therapy and SSRI med, started feeling better relatively quickly probably didn't take me more than 4-5 till I felt better than ever. Now almost 1.5 y has passed since I recovered and fully cut the med but I'm feeling the same symptoms I was feeling before? Is that normal or do I get to therapy again?

Sorry if the post is inconsistent/missing info this is the first time posting on here and it's been a while since I posted smt on reddit

Hi I’m 20F and I’d like to say I’ve gone into ‘remission’ with my BPD. I’ve put remission in quotes because in reality I’ve just removed almost everything, that I can, that triggers me. That includes distancing myself from friends, family and never entering into situations I know could cause me to spiral. But I met someone while overseas and a hookup turned into something more. And it’s reversed so much of my progress.

I was diagnosed at 16 and have put in a lot of hard work. But as anyone with this diagnosis knows, sometimes that’s just not enough. You can work so hard in adjusting your coping mechanisms and ways of thinking. But a single difficult moment can make you forget everything you’ve learnt.

I’ve noticed this going into a sort of LDR with this girl I met on holiday. I guess I thought it wouldn’t lead anywhere, considering we live a 24hrs apart. I usually don’t let myself become invested in people. Because I know close relationships are one of my weak points (throughout all of my years in therapy I’ve always struggled to apply my strategies to close relationships in the moment and end up losing them). I didn’t want to put myself in a situation where I would be hurt again. But the good was outweighing the bad and I had almost forgotten what it was like with BPD in a relationship.

We started talking often after I got home and everything was going well (probably a bit co-dependant but apart from that I was very happy). It got to the month mark and some things really started to bother me: She didn’t want to put a label on what we were, she still wanted to be able to sleep with other people (I’m not against that but am not interested in doing that myself), she was consistently talking to me everyday and suddenly told me she needed to stop (this is what really got to me).

The inconsistency of the ‘relationship’, her attitude towards how we were to communicate and the fact we were so far apart was KILLING ME. There are a couple of other little things as-well, that I picked up on but not big enough to mention. None of it came from a bad place, it’s all quite reasonable as she had communicated these things to me beforehand; even her tendency to be avoidant. But it fed my BPD. It gave me a pattern to follow.

1. She is in charge, she decides when/if we speak and she has the power to take that away
   
2. I have to be what she wants because otherwise she will get bored
   
3. I can’t be too much otherwise she will get overwhelmed
   
4. I can care but never too much because we aren’t in a relationship

I took these ‘rules’ on board and we kept speaking. We hit the 3 month mark and things went downhill again. I had been putting on a performance, and she could tell. She told me I was inconsistent and inauthentic and this CRUSHED ME. I was doing everything right why was she confused. I was following the rules she’d made for me why did she think I was being inauthentic?

I took a step back and realised I had been following the pattern I had followed habitually since I was a child, the same one that has ruined every single relationship in my life. Become what you think others want you to be and in doing so, lose the person they liked to begin with. Become angry and resentful for putting in so much work and never having it recognised. No, I wasn’t acting on my old self destructive behaviours. But I’d be lying if I said the urge wasn’t there. As much as I can recognise the pattern and know it is wrong. I feel I’ve lost myself too much already. I don’t know who I am so how should I be consistent?

She is visiting me for Christmas and I hope that seeing her in person instead of online will help me kick my old patterns. (I know they are rooted in insecurity and someone being present/physical affection really helps ground me). But I’m worried in the meantime she will keep seeing me as confusing and inauthentic. And I know these rules in my head won’t disappear just because I know they’re not reasonable. That’s the curse of being self aware with BPD.

But PLEASE if anyone has any advice for me, it’s all appreciated. I want to be myself and not lose my mind or someone who I now really care about. So if you or your partner have BPD and you have any tips or suggestions for me let me know <3.

Hey y’all, so I’ve been seeing this new therapist for about a month now and we’ve discussed my hallucinations. Shadow figures, hallucinations of people saying my name, whispering, things of that nature. Right now we’re trying to track how often they are since I’m not very reliable at remembering, but they’re often enough where they’re just part of my normal. She wants me to start speaking to them to see if that will reduce their frequency. For example saying “I’m safe you’re not needed here” as she believes it’s my brain trying to soothe or “protect” me. I was taken by surprise as I thought that was kind of the opposite of what you’re supposed to do? I usually just ignore them as it’s very normal for me.

I'm 20f, got diagnosed with BPD a few months back, I also have MDD, GAD, and my anxiety is really bad.

How to handle emotional dys regulation especially in relationships and self image and life goal related things, how to handle self harm and suicidal thoughts,

And one more question how frequently do you guys have a BPD episode?

For me it's like the emptiness is real and persistent and twice a week anger outburst and emotionally dysregulated fights with my bf or my parents,

And my fp is my bf so whenever I'm triggered like he's going on a solo trip and it made me so upset I ended up having an episode of really bad arguments and self harm stuff,

I'm on meds, anti-psychotic cariprazine and propranolol,

But my emotions especially anger is a bit regulated but the emptiness, and suicidal thoughts and extreme anxiety is really affecting my life,

What should I do?

Dear BPD sufferers, what kind of medication did help ease your BPD symptoms. Anyone with SI and what treatment did help to reduce the symptoms.
Sharing your experiences is highly appreciated

Hi, friends! ^>^ I hope you can envision the title the way that I do, which is a little strawberry cupcake with chocolate frosting, topped with edible glitter, and there's a little plastic umbrella in the center with a shiny pink top! The parts can have any assortment of colors/flavors you want, but hopefully that's helpful to set the stage for how I mean this post to come across to you.

I know it can be really rough out there, between cost of living crises and housing crises and employment crises and personal crises. I know you're probably tired, and maybe a little angry, and probably really sad. I hope that you can picture me handing you that cupcake and maybe a cup of juice or tea or coffee, and I hope you can hear my voice being gentle and kind when I tell you: I know you've done your best recently! I can understand where and why it would feel like everything sucks and you're failing. And you know what, most everything does suck right now, and you might be failing at some things because everyone fails at some things. I'm just really glad that you're alive! I'm glad that you're here and trying to build a life you love.

Recently, I've started to remind myself more and more frequently to make a list every day of things I accomplished that day. I make the list at the end of the day, and I try to include concrete things like going to work as well as more abstract things like managing my emotions. I bet, if you made a list of a few things you got done today, you would be surprised at how many things are actually on there! You're probably doing a little more than you think. I bet your friends and coworkers and neighbors have at least one nice thing to say about you. If you'd like, comment something here that you got done today! I'd love to see what you're proud of yourself for accomplishing, even if it feels very small or very insignificant. I'm so happy that you clicked on this post and I'm looking forward to hearing about what you've done! I'll go first, then - today, I realized when I was feeling weird emotionally and instead of bottling it up, I asked for a hug.

Okay, let 'er rip! Tell me a few things you accomplished today, no matter how small they feel ^>^

I don’t know how people make this happen and part of me doesn’t believe them. how do you go from having one person as the center of your world to making yourself the center. how? how do I stop craving validation and love from others? when do I genuinely feel better? when do I feel something other than momentary happiness and persistent sadness?

i just want to be wanted and love for me.

I was talking with my therapist about my trauma and how it is impacting my relationship. I've had to make my partner not talk to someone because every time I think about my partner texting them I freak out and everything from my recent and past trauma comes to the forefront of my mind. In discussing this she noted that I have a lot of symptoms of PTSD and I asked about cPTSD because I know it's a comorbidity of BPD. Then she told me that my symptoms are actually more in line with regular PTSD. And I asked if that was an actual diagnosis and she said yes.

So I guess I have that now. I really don't know how to feel. Is this something I should put work into? I try to do my BPD workbook and I've read a lot about BPD. Should I be doing that for my PTSD?

As some of you might know, my partner broke up with me in May. He said if there was any hope of repairing, he'd need months and months of space and time from me. However, we still live together. This happened at the same time I lost my job. And I had only moved to Germany for him 7 months prior, completely uprooting my life, moving countries, starting a new job which I lost, and then losing him. I was burnt out and struggling with too many changes at once (sorry if this sounds like an excuse). Of course I panicked, desperately tried to repair so I could feel some safety and stability in my life. By doing so, I pushed him even further away, every time I tried to talk about the relationship, over-explain, apologize, etc. Now we're both unemployed and at home together all the time. Today he left for a 5 day camping trip in Denmark. He has been sleeping in the living room which has become his room. But he always told me that I was welcome to use his computer for teaching online and sending CVs and job applications. He told me I could use the room to watch TV while he is gone. So I went in today and looked for a bag of candy I had seen because I craved something sweet and thought I had seen it on his desk and went there. Open next to his computer was a notebook. Here's what it said:

I know you're going to spy on me while I'm gone, so I'll use the opportunity to say:

I don't love you anymore, you've made sure of that.

I don't want to have a child with you.

Every time you "need to say something" reinforces the above.

I do better when you're not here, and I have plans for my life when you're gone.

Boston is your best choice, but I know you won't take it, and you'll regret it.

The fact you're reading this shows you don't respect my privacy.

This is on my desk in my room. Why are you there?

So now I'm filled with intense shame and guilt and hurt. I've been doing everything in my power to better myself, going to therapy, reading a book (I wish I had read it sooner, it has been so helpful, maybe could have saved the relationship :() about reducing shame and building care, self compassion and self forgiveness, working to acknowledge his experience and understand it better, and stop bringing up relationship topics and respect his boundaries for needing space and time to process his feelings. Yet he blames me for him not loving me anymore "you've made sure of that". That's the last thing in the world I wanted! I wanted to be life partners with him and he wanted that with me. I never wanted to hurt him and I have so much self-hate that my past trauma, and being stuck in shame, caused me to be unable to see his pain and have capacity for it and hold space for it. I've been doing everything in my power to change that in the present, but I make mistakes. He knows I've been struggling with the possibility, on top of everything else, of having PMDD and I've been taking supplements for it in the hopes that it will help me with emotional volatility and moodiness, but they take 3 months to have an effect, if any. It feels like I must be perfect in order to be loved. That I must perform perfectly otherwise everything resets and he tells me I can't go 2 days / 1 week etc without crossing his boundaries, even if I have been making progress. He says the bad still outweighs the good. That his experience of me has been negative since I moved here. I probably expected him to immediately want to rebuild with me while I expected him to have patience with me while I worked to changed my behaviors, which was unfair - I should have extended patience to him so he could take the space he asked for.

What do you all think about the note he left? Is it shaming and blaming? Is it fair that he left it out in the open next to his computer which he said I could use and then shamed me for reading it? Wtf is going on? I feel devastated and not okay.