Like the title says.

I met a woman on Tinder yesterday evening, and within the first fifteen minutes of our conversation, she spilled her guts out to me and gave me this long sob-story about how her wife had left her high and dry in a trailer park, and how she had moved to our city a year ago as a result.

The way she dumped it all on me should have been the first red flag, but I'm a man and she was still kind of cute, so I continued talking to her and within an hour or two she ended up inviting me to her apartment for drinks.

Red flag number two should have been the hours it took her to get ready, because by the time I arrived at her place it was already 2 in the morning.

Before we even finished our first drink, we started talking about how we are both prescribed adderall, and how we like to take an extra one or two once in a while to get high off of them.

And then I said something about how I just found mushrooms after not having been able to for some time, and she kind of laughed and was like, "check this out." And she pulls out this whole super-neatly organized drug collection.

I've never seen anything like it in person, and I love drugs. I'm telling you, she had it all. Vials of cocaine, peyote, mushrooms, ketamine, acid...whatever you could think of.

And there's this one jar of white powder labeled "Tina".

And I go, "What the fuck is Tina?" And she goes, "Well if you don't know then it's not for you."

And I was like, "Okay. But can we do some ketamine?" Because I love K.

So she breaks us out two chunky lines of ketamine, and not having done it in almost five years, it went straight to my head and I got completely fucked up to the point where communicating was almost an issue.

And while I was in this borderline K-hole, she passed me a meth pipe.

And I hit it, like ten times.

And that was like sixteen hours ago, and I'm still high.

Turns out "Tina" is meth.

Did I get drug raped?

Dinner is Sushi and a salad with Mochi for dessert.

Burrito I got in San Francisco a few weeks ago.

I (22M) just moved to Salt Lake City a few weeks ago and have been living in my car while trying to get on my feet. It’s not the first time I’ve lived in a car. It’s been rough to say the least. I’m sleeping in my car with 53 miles left and no money for gas until at least Wednesday (hopefully). Onto the reality check.

I was in the library today and I saw a homeless woman crying. She was talking about how it’s getting cold and how she really couldn’t do this anymore. About a minute later a homeless man starts shouting profanities at her and was just straight up being an asshole. It made me feel terrible that I couldn’t do more to help this woman besides talking to her. The staff came over and gave her resources to at least try and help her. The dude fucked off somewhere and I haven’t seen him since.

It just shook me to my core and I told myself right then that I never want to be in a position like this again. I have to do everything in my power to change that. I’m lucky I at least have a vehicle to sleep in. It also means that I’m one step above ending up on the streets (hate using the phrase that way but I can’t think of anything else to call it rn). The positive news is that I got at least 3 job offers and 2 interviews tomorrow. I’ve been looking on FB marketplace at cheap rooms for rent and I’m praying I can get into one by mid November.

I rushed moving out here and looking back on it I should’ve waited longer. It’s not so much how I got here but what I do in this situation that really makes or breaks me. I’ve learned my lesson that I will make sure I never have this happen again.

That's it, just because I want it. After thinking about it for the better part of 34 years, I've finally scheduled my surgery for mid January. It's feeling surreal to have this actually on the calendar and to constantly realize my foreskin will be gone in less than 3 months. Can't wait but also scared!

Boston cream pie 😋

***Thanks for all the responses. The top response about approaching it with curiosity is what I’ll do. She has an overnight business trip tomorrow, I’ll talk to her when she gets back.***

Dinner is crockpot chicken cooked in Chinese hot pot base.

Wife has a couple of our girls out at soccer right now.

I dug through our closet looking for a child’s missing electronic. I didn’t find it.

What I did find was about a dozen empty liquor bottles that I’ve never seen before.

She‘s an incredible mother, killing it at work, our whole life has been ministry to our communities for decades.

I don’t think she’s a drunk per se, but the hiding of this makes me very concerned.

Ft. Pepperoni Stromboli

Yall ive been feeling the wave and drive to find a partner at 26 yrs of age and this is brutal. Dating apps are a nonstarter. This year, i probably asked out like 15+ women; every single one of them ended up with some version of “I’m not looking for anything right now.” As if getting a dinner with me is that bad. I met a girl yesterday I GENUINELY thought was gonna talk to me, it seemed so obvious to me at the time.

It sucks. I do the best i can. My best appearance trait is my 6’1 height. I think I’m pretty smart, I’m patient and understanding, I’m fit, I can have a conversation about anything, I make good money like 200k in MCOL, and only a couple of the interaction were “awkward” i would say. It just feels like every woman is waiting for someone leagues above me.

Definitely the worst thing about me is my tendency to feel like “giving up” iykwim, not that I would, or that they know that about me.

Bacon Cheeseburger Wellington. I like making these it’s pretty easy for how good they look.

I (29 M) am a single gay guy currently looking for a partner. Recently I made a new friend (26 M) at a local baking charity. We hit it off and instantly vibed so we added each other on socials after. We talked all night and he did mention he wasn’t looking for anything romantic as he has a partner, just a friend to hang with. I was completely fine with that as I also wanted some new friends so we both agreed to hang out again as friends.

Since then we have talked every single day, gone out to eat a few times, played sports together, video games together, even went shopping once. I just love spending time with this guy. He smart, really cute, makes me laugh, we have the same hobbies. He’s perfect. He has a cat. I have a cat. They met and got along which is crazy my cat never liked new people.

I have very quickly began to realize I have feeling for him. I’ve only known him a few months now but I dunno…..I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve been feeling guilty as I know he’s in a relationship and i shouldn’t feel like this. So I’ve just been pushing it aside and hanging with him as normal. I’m literally almost 30 and i feel like a kid with a crush.

Well recently he started getting flirty with me over text. Again I felt guilty but I was kinda excited so I flirted back. It got a little intense some pics were sent but that’s as far as it went. Well now we both flirt by text basically every day now.

I’ve talked to him about his partner but he never really talks about them fondly. He just talks about them like a roommate so now I feel even GUILTIER thinking “maybe he likes me more”. Now I feel like a scumbag because a part of me wants them to break up…….and he could……be with me. But of course that’s awful so i push that down.

We went out for lunch the other day and he put his head on my shoulder at one point. He said he liked me alot and was glad I was his friend. I said I liked him alot too and was glad I met him. That’s as far as it went we finished lunch and both went on with our day. So again we haven’t done anything really sexual together, we haven’t kissed or had sex or anything beyond head on a shoulder.

He texted me today and said basically “hey I have this relationship with my partner where we agreed as long as it’s not full on sex we can flirt with other people. But we probably shouldn’t tell them they mighta get jealous”

Now…..I’m not an idiot i can see the red flags here. But I just like him too much to care.

What the hell do I do.

Dating while having a child is something I just cant navigate anymore. I met an amazing woman who just felt right in every way. Going into the relationship I knew she never wanted to have kids and I gave her every option to not want to continue dating. But she wanted to try. We spent over a year together and it was truly amazing everything about this woman was perfect to me. We took it really slow with introducing her to my daughter. I was always checking in and leaving it up to her on how much interaction they had. My ex's family welcomed my daughter into their lives like she was their own family.

Recently i started to notice my ex becoming more and more with drawn from our relationship and then she finally came to me and told me why. "The logistics of having a kid in my future just doesn't work for me and its not fair to you." I wasnt mad at her and I knew it was always a possibility.

What i didnt realize was how hard it was to tell my daughter that we were not together anymore. She broke down instantly, crying and being angry. Then she said it was her fault that she didnt want to stay. My daughter knew that my ex didnt want kids. I sat with her and explained why it wasnt her fault at all and that sometimes things just dont work out like we want them to.

She really grew attached to my ex and now I never want to put her through that again. My daughter still wants to see my ex's parents but I have no idea if thats a good idea? I dont want her to just be ripped away from people she grew attached to but im at a loss.

I never want to put my daughter through this again. Its hard enough with how her mother treats relationships and I dont want to put her through the same thing.

Is it really even worth trying to date anymore? Like I did everything I could to take it slow but it wasnt enough.

I think its the end of me trying to find my partner in this world to much heart break and now seeing how it really affects my daughter just makes it more real that I shouldn't look anymore.

Shitty coffee because food doesn't sound good currently.

Edit: I know that I am to blame im taking accountability that I should have done things differently and will do differently in the future. It was 4-5 months into our relationship before they met and I checked with both of them before they met. My ex was ready from what she said and we moved forward with the relationship.

She didnt just have unlimited access to my daughter we took it slow and I always checked in with both of them on how they were feeling. My confidence that things were going in a healthy direction grew every time we sat down and talked about it.

I never wanted to have kids but after I did I wouldn't change it and I think this is what skewed my perspective. As someone who was against having kids my life changed and my veiw changed. I was to hopeful that her veiw on kids would change that is 100% on me.

I know im not winning a father of the year award over my choices. But I will do better in the future if I ever decide to start looking again. I thank all of you for your straight forward answers no matter how they made me feel it helps give perspective that I didnt consider and again thats all on me. Thank you.

Dinner: potato squares, beans in tomato sauce and pork medaillon.

Throw away account, i am not a bot.

I have a wife and son

Tl:dr:

My worse nightmare became a reality because parents filed a police report against me as a 5year old said i touched his private parts. I am a man working in after-school daycare.

My rant/vent:

I only learned about this after the fact and it was shared by my manager and HR as the police investigation was already concluded and they found no evidence of what the kid said being the case. So the charges were dropped.

The situation as described could never happen at our daycare as we make sure these things should not be able to be said. We take every single situation into account and i always tell parents everything i had to do to take care of their kids. Think like wiping their ass, changing clothes etc. I make sure these things cannot and will not happen. I love this job man kids are awesome and i would never ever hurt them. Yet i couldn't prevent this in any way.

I spoke with the police.
The kid was not a part of my group and i did not have a connection with him at all. He just existed and so did i. You know some you gel with, some you don't. He was one i just didn't do anything with. He was part of the other group and i guess it wasn't personal as the parents went to the police as the kid said what he said. It looks like i am a victim of being a man in daycare.

The worse part is i cannot talk about details of any of this with coworkers and have to deal with on my own on the work floor. I can talk with my manager and the lady from HR. I tried going into work but my head got the best of me and i just felt lonely having to deal with this.

Now i am trying to deal with it as best as i can but i am paranoid to be around kids and feel like i don't wanna be at work at all. This traumatized me worse then i expected. I have no clue about the parents and if they accept the police their investigation and am scared they are gonna hurt me for something i did not do. I am scared of rumors being spread about me and i have a hard time just coping with this whole situation.

My workplace arranged traumacare and is trying to help trough this. But it just feels like i am spiraling downwards.

I had a week PTO planned last week and my whole week was ruined cause all i could think about was this mess that got thrown at me. Having to go back into work. Dealing with all of this. Today i had to call in sick as i just can't go in and it hurts so much not being able to do the job i love and care about.

In all this i am trying to talk about it with my wife but i just end up randomly crying. I feel like i am doing my best for my son at home but it's hard trying to be cheerful. I can't focus on my hobbies. This sucks. I wish i could go back to the time before this happened. Something inside of me broke and i have no idea how to fix it.

There is so much going on that i can't put every detail in here. It just sucks big time.

Thanks for reading. Appreciate the time you took in doing so.

We were going to a concert and we're on the sidewalk and I saw a couple holding hands. I mentioned how I missed holding hands. But that i knew it wasnt really something easy to do since I use a manual wheelchair and if im wheeling both hands are used and if hes pushing this hands are busy. I wasnt asking, it was just a comment like when I complain about the construction or lack of ramps.

But silently he adjusted, put his hip yo my back rest and his hand over my shoulder palm up for me to hold it. Such a small act, yet it meant so much. We held hands all the way to the concert of my favorite band and first concert that he had booked for us to see in the ada seats. The seats sucked of course but i dont care it was magical and he makes everything magical. Plus his patience for his hard things can be in my chair eases me so much.

Something funny happened the other day, I got an email from 'tinder' which my girl saw since I check my emails for work a lot and I have nothing to hide so I do it right next to her.

She was actually mad at me until I figured out it was a fake spam email from the sender name (I can assure you it says the email was sent from Tinder until I expanded the sender name, the scammers know how to spoof it), I knew it was fake because I've never used dating sites before, but still, almost died that day.

Tldr: fk these scammers trying to ruin my relationship.

​

I am currently 26 years old and I have Asperger's (autism) and I struggle with the grand scale of concepts and ideas. I just want to say that this is not the person I am and I was found to be completely innocent in the end, but I still struggle with severe PTSD and oth complex mental health issues due to everything. I have a loving family, a team of support workers who work with me and a close group of loving friends who know everything and love me regardless as they know the truth. This is my story.

When I was a baby to 5-6 years old, I was being heavily sexually abused and raped by my father's friends on a constant basis while his alcoholic ass was busy drunk. This happened regularly, to the point where I thought it was normal and they were playing with me. Around the 5-6yo period mark, my father started exposing me to child abuse material and was grooming me to think it was a normal thing. This happened for 13 years straight, until I was 19.

When I was 19, my father got exposed for being a historic child sex offender and went to prison for the 6th time for offences of that nature. He got done with possession of child abuse material, exposing himself to children in public places and installing hidden cameras in public change rooms. This all went public and people kept harassing me over it and asking me all these weird, complex questions that I didn't know the answers to.

As I mentioned before, my father groomed me with that material and taught me how to find it. I went on an extremely mentally unwell tangent of talking to people that were engaging in that stuff and was asking them questions such as 'why do you do this?', 'why did this happen to me?' and 'why do you enjoy hurting innocents?'. Such a stupid mistake to make. The cops got wind of the group because I did the one thing that I thought was the right thing to do and reported it, but it blew up in my face as they thought I was engaging in their activities with the material (it later turned out I was telling the truth and was found innocent).

I got put in a fucking prison environment for just over a year before I got found innocent and released to be free with nothing over my head. They realised what had happened and that I had never engaged in any material and realised that I was more of a victim than any guilty perpetrator.

I tried killing myself 6 times alone in that one year, nearly succeeded a few times. I couldn't live with people thinking I was that person, that I was my Dad. And then when I got found innocent, people started reaching out to me and saying they were sorry, and that this mess should never have happened and they know I'm not a bad person and that they know I never did it, but I still beat myself up for it everyday. I still wake up screaming and covered in sweat. I'm still afraid of human contact because of the 20 years of sexual abuse and grooming I suffered at the hands of someone I should have been able to trust. 20 YEARS!!! his own fucking autistic son. 8 years later, I still get horribly depressed and suicidal about it. I'm still learning to love myself and move on.

I wish I never talked to those people, it was the stupidest mistake of my life. I have since put a restraining order on my father as I never want anything to do with him ever again. I don't understand why people still love me and support me.... I think so horribly about myself, while others are always lifting me up and supporting me.

Please, I implore you, if you are struggling with anything like this, it's never too late too get help. I'm lucky I've survived as long as I have.

I struggle sometimes with feeling like I'm being deceitful and a bad person when I meet new people and they don't know about my past. I'm innocent, always was and got proven to be. So why do I feel deceitful? Ive done nothing wrong. Am I forever doomed to be alone because of what happened to me? I'm an openly gay man, and I feel like no man could ever love me because I feel like I'm a burden. I reported them. I dobbed them in. I saved anyone else being hurt. I got them arrested.

Some chocolate chips because I (26m) want something sweet.

Back in May of this year I was diagnosed with stage 4 hodgkin's lymphoma and I had to go through 12 chemo infusions.

In December on 2025 I was experiencing constant fevers and horrible sweating at first I thought it was a side effect of a new medication I was prescribed so after taking to the doctor I stopped taking it and waited for it to leave my system. I thought i was feeling better. Then they prescribed another medication in the same family and I thought it was just that family of medication. At one point in March I tried to see if I could ride out one fevers because at this point taking ibuprofen consistently was hurting my stomach. And once the fever started to subside, in about 10 minutes I felt the beginning stages comeback.

By the time in April I go out to dinner with my mom. I asked her to check out the lump on my neck, she works in the medical field. She said I should go to the hospital and about that time I started feeling extreme pain flair ups randomly. I went to hospital and I was admitted. They put me in oncology ward and they gave me acetaminophen and ibuprofen to manage the pain. They did a small local biopsy of my neck. I applied for short term disability through company. After that I was released because there was nothing else the hospital could other than manage my pain.

I had to wait about 2 weeks for my results. Which came back saying it might be a form of lymphoma but the sample was too small to give conclusive results. So then I had an outpatient surgery to biopsy a lymph node. I waited 2 more weeks for that result in the meantime the oncology doctor wanted a bone marrow biopsy to see what answers that would give. Finally mid May I got my diagnosis that it's stage 4 hogdkins lymphoma. She wanted me to have 12 chemo infusions. Stuff started moving insanely fast within a week I was scheduled for a port placement surgery then the next Tuesday was my first chemo.

For the next few months I felt trapped were I wasn't working just at home. I feeling I'm stagnating and I felt kinda stir crazy because I went from overworking myself to the longest break I have had. At one point I tried to see if I could do a work from home arrangement with my job but then HR said no because of my job title I couldn't work from home. Even though weeks before over the phone they said they could make arrangements for me.

Time past I had my routine of feeling bad one week from the treatments and then feeling somewhat better next. Then it repeats. In October started to transition from short disability to long term because I can only be on short term for 180 days. I began the change. Once it was mostly finalized I received an email at 5:44 pm from my work that HR was terminating me.

I had no idea what was going on. I tried reaching out to them but I didn't hear from them for a day or so. I got in contact with my old supervisor and he told me he had no idea that was going. I made it clear that I had all the intentions of return to work in November. HR finally reached to me saying that since I was transitioning to long that they made the decision to terminate me, it was to help me focus on my recovery, and once I am fully cleared to work I can reapply. Also I would be a direct hire and have to go through a probationary period. This really sucks because I lost all my insurance benefits I was receiving but I could continue them through COBRA. This whole time I reached my out of pocket deductible, so I was suprised I barely had to pay for anything on a couple prescriptions. There is 1 small problem, to continue my benefits it would cost me 1100 per month. But my HR sooo GrAciOuSlY game me a one month payment for COBRA but since I was terminated in the middle on October I had to pay 550 to start it then 1100 on November.

Finally today was my final infusion so it feels good in a sense.

tl;dr: After 4ish months of misunderstood symptoms, I went to the hospital and then got diagnosed with stage 4 hodgkin's lymphoma. Luckily my company had great benefits so I barely paid anything after the hospital stay and I was on short term disability. Once I transitioned to long term disability the company's HR terminated me, one month before I am highly likely to be in remission. And today was my last planned chemotherapy infusion.

Edit: I am currently 26 but in the beginning 25

Been with my Gf for about 2 years. We are pretty close, and we basically know everything about each other, including our desires and insecurities. I think every single time I’ve asked her to do something new, she always wanted to tried it and usually pretty excited too.

We’ve done anal, we’ve used Nutella, we’ve done it in public, dress up, and outside in a nice green grassy field. I felt super comfortable with her, and assumed she would be down for something even spicer.

Finally I get the courage to ask her the big question, «Wanna try pegging? », she said, no. After, she went super quiet, basically just on her phone never even looking at me and giving one word answers. It was pretty awkward so I left. Text her three hours later, and she’s ghosted me for more then a day.

We have a lot of friends in common, she knows my parents, where I work, basically everything. Maybe she even has my Russian grandma’s WhatsApp. I CANNOT have this become public news, and I also really don’t want to loose her. What should I do??

Edit: raw salmon and eggs for dinner, I don’t know how to cook.

Edit 2: Nutella and anal we’re never in the same room.

I'm 21 (m), and he's also 21 (m). The problem is that he's straight and in a relationship.
We've known each other for five years. We went to the same school, and he was the first person I came out to. At first he was a bit mad, not because I'm gay, but because I hadn't told him sooner. He was a little hurt that I didn't open up to him about that part of me earlier. We talk to each other about nearly everything, and we know each other better than anyone else does.
I've even moved cities and now rent a flat right below his. We hang out nearly every day and cook together. Well, I do the cooking and he does the cutting, since I'm horrible with a knife. We also share the same hobbies. We've done so many romantic things together as platonic friends.
I would have confessed if I knew there was a chance. But we've talked about whether he could imagine himself loving another man, and he said he can't imagine that for himself. He even asked me once if I'm in love with him, but I lied, because I was afraid it would damage our relationship and that he would think it's weird.
Now he's finally in a relationship, and I'm quite sure it will last for quite some time. He's happy with her. I'm incredibly happy for him, but if I'm honest, I'm still kind of jealous.
I know I should let go. I know this is a fantasy that won't happen. But it's incredibly difficult to let go of that love when you're around that person every day. This friendship is incredibly important to me, and I don't really know how to let go of these feelings without damaging it.

Quick story short, I had a friend who said that he can invest in my ideas, we weren’t that close, but he said he was rich. I started a dropshipping store selling dog beds, specifically pouch style beds.

Ran facebooks ads, after a year of heard work, we’ve made over 100k in usd, he held on to it as we planned to re-invest it, and then suddenly, our Facebook account got shot down for a billing issue, he tells me he’s card isn’t working and if I could send him a k of my own money, I sent it to him, and then he « found out » that card was negative 800$ so now he can’t pay it off.

We also have 5k in orders, or about 60 dog beds waiting to be shipped that he needs to buy. He also did buy a nice m4 this year. Weirdly, I don’t even feel angry right now. I just feel gone.

i have been in recovery for about 2 months now. i have a substance use disorder and am an alcoholic. i went through a really tough period of my life 3 months ago and spent a month self sabotaging everything good in my life. i went into a drug induced spiral and kept making bad decision after bad decision.

thankfully i am better now. i do have a psychiatrist and a therapist, but things took a dark turn when i started mixing my prescription medication such as xanax and ambien with alcohol. i dont think i had a goal in mind, i think i was truthfully trying to numb myself and stop thinking and feeling any emotions. it was eating me up and exhausting. after going through withdrawals and starting recovery, i have been managing my emotions okay.

but i still have this empty feeling within me and an overwhelming sense of sadness. i can have good days, bad days, and okay days, yet that low feeling persists. i do take my medication as prescribed. i have some friends i can talk to but truthfully there isn’t anyone in my life that i can be open about to the fullest extent. i am scared of relapsing, and im getting into a dark headspace. thinking of going to the beach tonight after work and listening to the waves while i watch the stars.

food: chicken gyro over rice

Years and years ago my best friend D started a westmarches style campaign that was run over a combo of FB, discord, and roll20. I ended up becoming one of the GMs for that campaign as my first time running. I was obsessed with this campaign, while not everyone was super involved with had a good handful of invested core players and 3 main GMs, including D, Me, and another good friend M. We all had our own semi interwoven plots that played out between our different linears, we had long standing player characters with their own lore in the campaign, we had so many stupid in jokes... And then after about two years it started to dry up as the GMs stopped having time to run, and bigger and bigger gaps between sessions left people disinterested, some friends fell out and left, some folks were busy with their regular campaigns etc etc. Nothing massive it just slowed to a stop.

I haven't had that much luck running since. Did pretty good with an in-person 6-session set story a while ago, but otherwise I'd always end up running for people who either weren't that into it or who I didn't mesh play styles with that well.

Cut to early this year, D starts a new westmarches campaign with a really cool overarching plot. We have a pretty chunky consistent player base and a lot of people very invested in their own characters. We have also completely ditched using FB to which. Thank god. He's been solo-gming for the first several months basically to set a consistent tone and get things ready, a bunch of things are primed to get unlocked.

Well. The time has come for the secondary GMs to be allowed to start running (funnily enough it's me and M again), and he has given me full reign over an aspect of the plot to run a spiritual sequel to the one I never got to finish back in our first westmarches campaign. I'm running Friday and I'm both excited and so nervous because I know I'm gonna be so rusty.

So it's all good news! Just slightly nerve-wracking for me! Thank you for reading the whole backstory but it's important as to why this is a big deal to me haha. D is a legend and I'm happy he both puts up with my disabled ass being inconsistent and trusts/respects me as a GM to do this big thing in his campaign.

Tuna crunch pasta while I try and get this map finished.

At least we hit PRs on assisted pull ups and chest supported rows.

Never really expected to be here, but, hey. Here we are lol. Obviously started to feel inevitable. I could dread it, run from it. Destiny arrived all the same, and now its here.

Don't really know how or what to feel tbh. I guess just hopless.

Dinner pictured is tomorrow's meal prepped spaghetti and homemade turkey meatballs. Turned out pretty well for my first time doing them, even if I forgot the minced garlic. They're crisper than they look.

Dinner is Chicken Salad Chick.

Apologies for the inane rambling to follow.

I've (M/36) have been in a relationship with my partner (F/33) for around a year and a half. She wants children more than anything, and I've come to the realization that I don't want children. I was open to the idea, and while knowing my heart wasn't full in having them at the start, I just thought I'd eventually be all in after being together long enough. But that didn't happen, and telling her is inevitably going to end things.

I feel like such a fucking idiot.

For background, I'd long come to terms and accepted that I was perfectly content being single and would live out my days with my dogs. That was perfectly fine with me, though, since I've always been really independent and happy with my own company.

But then, I met my partner. I'd come off a very trying year, and was looking for connections. I actually wasn't even looking for it with her, we just hit it off that strongly. We bonded over shared struggles. It was during this time that she shared with me her desire for children. The way she talked about her desire was always very sweet ans endearing. When we became a thing, I'd opened myself up to how she thought and began to take part myself in these daydreams, seeing a potential different future than I'd previously thought.

She has a great job that's WFH, so after just a handful of months dating and a few weeklong visits to me, she was ready to move. Like many of you readers are probably feeling, I knew that it was much too fast, but my thought process was "We're not getting any younger, so we may as well figure it out sooner rather than later."

My girlfriend is genuinely one of the best partners anyone could ask for. Considerate. Caring. Giving. I would come to realize, however, that we differed much more than we realized. Most glarongly, in attachment styles and personal needs. She had trouble with feeling emotionally neglected by her parents growing up, and as a result is what most people would consider very needy. Being the complete opposite in both ways, this caused friction in the beginning because of my being so independent. It was a struggle for me to go from wholly independent to having to suddenly plan what I do around someone else. I eventually learned a healthy give and take, and we eventually settled in nicely and began to build the relationship.

As mentioned, my girlfriend was always very open about her desire for a child. I'd bought in to the idea, but it was always this "in the future" thing. It wasn't long after we moved in together, though, that she started making comments about wanting a baby. Usually, she presented it as a tongue in cheek joke at her own expense, but I always felt deep down she was serious. I set the expectation that we should be together for at least a year until then, which she went along with.

Fast forward to now and it'd been a year. She was coming up in her birth control script lapsing so we had a decision to make. I had convinced myself I was okay with all that, but before doing anything I had my yearly blood work done. On a whim, I had my testosterone checked as I was having issues with interest in sex, etc. Found out that it's EXTREMELY low, like "we're gonna give you TRT immediately" low. 130s.

TRT, as you know, makes you infertile. As a result, the question of a child was no longer some "in the future" thing, I had to truly confront it because I would either need to get her pregnant now or wait another year or longer (for the TRT to work and then for me to come off it) and with her age time is a consideration.

And that very issue brought about this realization. The mere thought of having children now brings me nothing but dread. I feel so dumb, realizing I was buying into the dream without ever considering the reality. I was just kicking it down the road, seemingly hoping one day I'd wake up fully on board. Just like I'd let myself get swept up into moving in together so quickly, I was just wantonly going along with having children without giving actual thought to the reality of that life.

I've been agonizing for the past month to sort out how I felt. We have multiple pets, and I absolutely love my life with her and them. But that's just it ... I love the current life. I don't want kids. I don't want all it comes with. I don't want to lose who I am, and who we are to become parents. I just want a simple life with a wife and some dogs. I don't want to deal with babies, I don't want to deal with the sacrifice involved with kids, I just want to be a DINK couple that does whatever we want.

I'm such a fucking fool.

Dinner is Chinese take out. Veggie lo mein, general tsaos chicken, and cream cheese rangoons.

I had a crazy experience at a fencing gym and feel like this is the best place to vent about it.

I’ve been into martial arts since i was a teenager. I love to train, i love the community, and i love to fight. Funny enough, I’ve never been in a “real” fight. Every fight I’ve been in has been consensual and a lot of fun, either in a competitive or training scenario.

Recently i got into HEMA, Historical European Martial Arts, aka fighting with actual fucking swords. I absolutely love it. It’s nerdy, it’s scholarly, my first club was hella gay and super positive and welcoming, and there are tons of competitions around the states and beyond. Everybody is ranked in a system that’s very similar to chess ELO rankings, and it’s a whole thing. It’s wonderful. I’ve never had so much fun training. I feel like a little kid living his dream.

I recently moved cities and had to switch clubs. HEMA is not very popular and these clubs are mostly grassroots organizations run by the blood, sweat and tears of random people who really fucking care about historical fencing. My old club was very nerdy and focused on historical sources, with a few folks who compete regularly. My new club was very competitive, with multiple coaches in the top 100, and they hardly referenced historical sources at all. I was initially really excited to train in a more focused environment and fence some high level fencers, and it ended with a coach making me cry.

I noticed some oddities about this new club. They almost always kept score when they sparred (as opposed to just fencing for fun). They almost never laughed. They never self-called or said “good hit!” or “that was an awesome exchange!” or anything like that, which i had grown used to at my previous club. I was getting similar vibes to BJJ and Muay Thai gyms I’d trained at in the past, where they had a lot of competitive fighters and no chill. “If you’re not here to win then why are you even here?” type of mentality, when I’m there to train, have fun, and make friends. I thought i got away from all that bullshit when i found the nerdy sword fighting martial art, but apparently not.

Anyways, in my 3rd or 4th class they were talking about fencing under different rulesets, and the instructor points at me and says “we fought at the tournament your club hosted, and that fuckass ruleset was the worst I’ve ever seen.” Okayyyy i guess im sorry? And then he goes on to say “you can tell someone is gonna just fucking double (strike simultaneously so both fencers ‘die’) you if they’re wearing poofy pants.” By poofy pants he means pluderhosen, the historical pants nerds (me) like to wear, and I’m the only one in class wearing pluderhosen. At this point I’m starting to feel a little shitty and singled out. Then, at the end of the class, I’m sparring with the instructor and we double. I try to apologize and he tells me “no. Just walk away.” He’s clearly upset. Takes a minute to calm down and says “look, you have shitty teachers who gave you shitty training and it’s not your fault. I’m going to help fix you.” And proceeds to rip my fencing to shreds. Tells me everything that’s wrong with me. He goes on and on for 20 or 30 minutes and at this point i have just shut down, trying to hold it together so i can leave with my tail between my legs. At the end he says “I’m sorry if I’m being harsh, but i just really care about the physical and emotional safety of everyone here.” And that’s when i lost it. I started to cry. I felt like a 6 year old kid being bullied. I haven’t felt so small and stupid in a long, long time. He asked what’s wrong and I said, “how can you say you care about emotional safety when all you’ve done today is single me out and rip on me? You’ve made fun of my club, made fun of my teachers, made fun of my pants, and you’ve ripped my fencing to shreds. All you’ve done since i got here is make fun of me and make me feel like shit. I’m NEW. I don’t have ANY friends here. You are one of the BEST FENCERS IN THE WORLD and you’ve done nothing to make me feel safe or welcome.”

He ended up apologizing, but i felt like shit for a week. I went home and cried in my girlfriend’s lap like a little baby. This is a hobby. I do this for fun. This is the dumbest martial art because the weapons aren’t even in use, and haven’t been for hundreds of years! All of the joy and happiness i had cultivated fled, and i felt so fucking shitty for days. Eventually, I started thinking back to that class and other classes, remembering some of the shit that guy had said. “If you really want to concuss somebody, you can hit them here.” And “most people don’t have padding on their jacket here, so if you hit them there it’ll make them think twice.” The obsession with winning. The disdain for tradition. The intensity. That’s when i realized i was training at the HEMA equivalent of Cobra Kai for the past month and needed to trust my gut, take my hurt feelings and fuck the fuck off. HEMA ratings be damned, no amount or quality of training is worth feeling that way. This is supposed to be FUN. That was the whole point in the first place.

I ended up finding another club, a little further away, much smaller, with a shittier schedule, that’s not nearly as competitive, and I’ve been much happier since.

A year ago, I was unemployed, getting blackout drunk, and letting sugar daddies financially support me. Tonight, I cooked steak while my fiancé made the mashed potatoes because he knows I hate making them.

It’s funny how much a life can change.

Before meeting my fiancé, I was honestly a little monster. A twink with a drinking problem, an appetite for attention, and absolutely no direction in life.

I had men paying my bills just to have me around. I never slept with them, although plenty certainly tried. Some would shower me with money, gifts, and affection, only to disappear when they realized there wasn’t a price tag on sleeping with me. I think I became addicted to being desired, even if I knew most of those men didn’t actually care about me.

I partied constantly, bounced between men, and drank myself into some pretty awful situations. I even ended up spending a night in jail because of my own stupid decisions. You’d think that would’ve been my wake-up call. It wasn’t.

I was lonely, reckless, and probably not a particularly pleasant person to love.

Then I met this short, adorable guy who took me on an arcade date.

He wasn’t my usual type. I always imagined myself with some tall, macho man. But I remember looking over at him while we played games and feeling something I hadn’t felt with all those other men.

I didn’t want anything from him. I just wanted HIM.

We became practically inseparable. He moved into my apartment, proposed a few months later, and eventually I proposed back. Now we’re preparing to move into a house together.

I also have a genuinely good job now, make my own money, and have a life I’m proud of. The same guy who used to depend on men to pay his bills is now worrying about furniture, moving expenses, and where to put his fiancé’s piano.

But here’s why I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve him.

I’m still an alcoholic. I wish I could say falling in love fixed that, but it didn’t. Sometimes I drink because I’m anxious, sometimes because I’m overwhelmed, and sometimes because I just want everything to be quiet.

There are evenings when my fiancé comes home exhausted and wants to tell me about his day, and instead of listening, I get irritated because I’m exhausted too. Sometimes I actually look forward to him falling asleep so I can sit alone in silence.

And that breaks my heart a little.

Because I spent years desperately wanting someone to stay, only to occasionally crave solitude now that someone finally has.

Meanwhile, this man wakes me up every morning by scratching my head and telling me I’m beautiful. He opens my car door, carries our groceries, reassures me when I’m insecure, and works incredibly hard for the future we’re building.

He’s not perfect. Neither am I. We argue, misunderstand each other, and sometimes get on each other’s nerves. But I’ve never questioned whether he genuinely loves me.

I think that’s what scares me most. I spent so long being wanted for what I could offer that I still don’t entirely understand being loved for who I am.

I know I can’t give him credit for every change I’ve made, and I know loving him means continuing to work on the things I struggle with.

But sometimes I look at him doing something as simple as making mashed potatoes and wonder how the hell someone with my history ended up here.

He even wants to take my last name.

I used to have men paying hundreds of dollars just to spend an evening with me.

Now I have a man who wants to spend every evening with me for free.

And somehow, that feels like the most valuable thing anyone’s ever given me.

Anyway, here’s dinner for the man I’m going to marry. ❤️

Just wanted a space to share it all, get it off my chest really. We're both in our early 20's, live together, I've been out as a trans guy since I was in middle school, my first decade is actually coming up soon, she's only known for a few years, but being with another trans person for the first time makes me feel seen in ways I didn't even know a person COULD see me. I developed tourette's in my early teens and for the past couple of years now, my body has been falling apart. I don't know what it is, I just know that I'm "double jointed" and my hips and shoulders constantly sublux. I can't even walk around the house without it happening, and I can't run anymore. It's only been getting worse.

Today was one of those days where I felt particularly bad about myself, between debilitating dysphoria, insecurities about my tourette's and whatever is wrong with my body, I felt weak. I felt like I wasn't enough; wasn't enough of a man, wasn't enough of a person, that I was bringing my partner down with me. I was sad because not only do I have to suffer being born in this body that goes against everything I see myself as, it also has to not even work correctly. I have to sit there and let it fall apart and bleed and I can't do anything to change it.

She just held me, she told me that I'm everything she could ask for, and that I'm always more than enormous. She told me that no one thinks I'm weak, and that if I were I wouldn't have had so many people in my life, including her, rely on me. She told me her life was better with me in it. She came home with snacks for me and made dinner. There was a few more things she'd said, but this was really the gist of it. She makes me feel like it's okay to just he human, have bad days. She doesn't make me feel like I have to always be happy all the time and I'm allowed to fall apart with her and she'll always be there

Dinner: Steamed lotus buns, beef bowl, and sushi from a Japanese ramen restaurant we went to a little while ago