Hey y’all I am a 3rd year in an MA/PhD program (just started the PhD portion after getting MA) and I am struggling completely. Struggling mentally and physically. Feel like I am completely drowning in work with no time to get it all done.
Mentally, I am constantly going through waves of stress. People tell me I seem very laid back and unconcerned but the truth is, I am somehow able to remain apathetic towards my responsibilities until a crunch period comes and I become so stressed to the point of depression and dysfunction. I mean even when I am not stressed, I struggle completely to be a functional human being. My apartment is filthy because cleaning it feels like it takes too long and any time not spent on work makes me feel guilty. I constantly go days without eating until I can’t make it and then binge eat a ton on one day. Outside of family and my girlfriend my only social life is video games with friends from home.
Physically, I am distraught at how out of shape I have become. I am not incredibly overweight or anything but I used to be a 6 days a week at the gym guy. I used to coach at an MMA gym. Now, I rarely go, maybe I can manage once or twice a month. The gym takes time, and the gym makes laundry, the more laundry I have to do, the more time I lose that could be spent on other things. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look.
Work-wise I am completely overloaded. We have to teach 2 sections, and follow a strict program and grading schedule. I am so behind because I have been to two conferences recently and have another in a week. On top of that I have 2 classes that I am constantly missing deadlines for because I can’t justify spending time to work on those things because I have more pressing matters. I need to work on two presentations for an upcoming conference, I need to finish an IRB for data collection, I start a manuscript (based on previous projects I have done) which needs to be submitted for publication to satisfy program requirements, I have to grade a metric **** ton of exams and problem sets, and the best thing is that I am probably forgetting stuff on top of that.
I can’t take this. I feel completely out of my depth and feel like I have been drained of my energy and life. I don’t want to do this anymore. I hate feeling guilty for relaxing for even a second. I hate feeling like there is no end in sight.
I like my field generally and I have been told that I have a good head on my shoulders when it comes to this sort of work but it just doesn’t feel worth it at all. I don’t feel rewarded or fulfilled by any of this I just feel relieved that I don’t have to do it when it’s done.
I have thought of leaving my program so many times, and at one point had even told my professors I think I was done, but decided against it because I don’t know what else I would do, and thought I would regret quitting. Not to mention there are rare moments when I do genuinely enjoy reading and thinking about my niche topic. But i don’t know if it’s worth how horribly i feel it is affecting my life.
TL;DR: Grad school is ruining my life
EDIT: I feel doubly guilty for feeling this way because when I talk to professors about projects and ideas they genuinely are so kind and interested in what I have to say. I feel like they have so much more faith in me than I have in myself. One professor even told me recently that she likes me because I have a brain (lol) and told me she has faith that i can be motivated because I genuinely am passionate about what I do. But I don’t know. I am passionate about some stuff but the sheer quantity of work I have to do is seriously impacting my quality of life. I feel like a shadow of my former self.
Sorry, I know this probably just looks like venting and yea it probably is so I guess to avoid that can I just ask what other people do to avoid just… crumbling?