I've been thinking about this lately and it's really took hold of my mindset and is preventing me from enjoying much, or focusing at work.
Life is this deep thing with infinite possibilities. There is so much to be deeply lived. Relationships, community, love, philosophy, adventure, spirituality - so many things to explore and experience. Real things.
Yet the marrow of our existence, the heart of the human experience, seems so absent in modern society. Somehow, for some reason, we've organized ourselves into a life involving 8+ hours of mundane, detached, and ontologically useless work that is a requirement for life. We all are equal on this Earth. Why must I earn my keep to buy back the life, buy back the fruits of the Earth, that I too deserve as much as anyone else?
I'm literally going to spend more time at some fundamentally useless job than I will with my children, spouse, friends. I will never be able to experience a connected, consistently fruitful life. Everything outside of work feels like an antipode to a void of meaning within, or a cure to a symptom - not an actual experience deeply lived. The only way I can get these feelings nowadays is through mindless internet consumption. The only way I can feel what it's like to have purpose and meaning is by reading a fucking book with a character that does. I can only feel what it's like to have frequent, fruitful social interaction by watching some fucking show or some shit.
I get that I can pick up a hobby or do this or do that, but that doesn't change the fundamental structure of this life. That's just a band aid fix. And somehow, knowing I have to go to work tomorrow, and knowing this will not change for 40+ years, prevents me from enjoying the moment. Someone will say that the fact these moments (ones enjoyed, a book in the park, a nice coffee, a nice conversation with a friend, a good bike ride) are few makes them special. I disagree. I like to take my time with life. I wish I could stay in those moments as long as I'd like, to really enjoy them. Knowing they'll end poisons my present experience.
And just, the infrequency of it all. There's no real life being lived anymore. No communities being built, no problems being solved, no existential work being done. I want to work to build a community. I want to work for the betterment of the people around me. And that's not work, that's just life.
I'm writing this as I'm in my second internship. I haven't even been working full time yet! Sure it's not long working, but if this is what adult life is like, fuck man. It just feels like there's no life to be lived, and if there is, it's so few and far between, and so impermanent, that I can't help but sour those moments with that knowledge. I want my days to actually contain my life. I don't want to have to read a book or watch a film to feel something. I want to live it.
I enjoyed playing some sports this Saturday. This Sunday I spent a few hours at the park reading, journaling, enjoying the weather. It was very nice. But are you seriously going to tell me I only get to experience that, real life, for a few hours a week? I don't want to live like this. Like fuck man, by the time I get home from work, work out, cook, eat, it's already pitch black outside.
So if anyone has struggled with similar thoughts and has made any conclusions please share.