My sweet dog was 14 years old and I had to make the decision to let him go at 3 AM this morning. It's been a hard last couple of years managing arthritis and many times when I thought we were to the end but we managed through it with medications, supplements, at-home vet visits, and wonderful physical therapists that made his last six months more enjoyable. I don't think I was always the best dog mom but I made up for it in the last several years and everything I did was with him in mind. The rugs, the bed on the floor, the cooked food, the cost of it all, worth it. I owe him my life. Truly. This has been a devastating year for me all around and I knew this time was coming. I tried so hard to plan for it. I called Lap of Love. I talked to my at-home vet. But the last week and a half or so, he was rejecting his food and medication off and on and on Saturday, I took him to the emergency vet where we admitted him for kidney issues. He also presented with anemia and some nodes on his chest.
I told them I did not want to treat the cancer, but if we kept him there and got his kidneys in a better state, I could get him home to consult with my vet if it was time so we could do in home euthanasia. They admitted him and I went home to sleep a bit. When I got back the next morning, I crawled into the kennel with him and he got up and nuzzled into my armpit. I held him and stayed with him in the kennel all day. They moved us to a room in the evening. He's a reactive dog so we had a room the first day but in the kennel I thought he would be drugged enough to sleep and ignore the smells. I kept him calm and covered his ears with a blanket and had him fall asleep with my hand in front of his nose to mask other scents. I'd mentioned the reactivity so they got us a room again and made up the bed. But he just seemed to be getting worse. I just wanted to get through the night again and get him home when I could talk to his vet and make a plan. But as the night went on, I started to worry that I was prolonging it for myself. He was just staring and panting. He started to pee in the bed. I know he was highly medicated but the vet thought that something more insidious was happening. I kept questioning if I was doing the right thing. When I asked her twice point blank, she said the decision to euthanize him now is a decision I fully support you in. When she saw him the night before, he was in the same pain. We put him to sleep at 3 AM.
I hate everything about this. All of the things I tried to avoid happened. I was so diligent in his care because I didn't want any regrets and now I'm filled with what if's. He had a nice walk the morning before we went in but I know he wasn't feeling well. We didn't sleep in the bed together the night before but we did nap in the bed that morning. I was in such a rush to get him to the clinic I didn't take the time to really assess. The first vet didn't think it was the end of the road. I really thought, we'll get him out of here and home where it's comfortable.
I worry that I took his reaction to the pain medication as a tell all. I was looking into his eyes and I couldn't tell what he wanted but he wasn't responsive to me in the end. He wouldn't really look at me unless I was really at eye level. He wouldn't lift his head. It wasn't him. I keep thinking if I could've had him tapered off and on to something else would I have seen a glimpse of himself. We took the feeding tube out and it seemed like he perked up but then he was so stressed. I just don't know what would have happened. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to keep him comfortable for long enough and then to get him home and manage him on my own until I could get in touch with an in-home service. I should have chatted with Lap of Love just to check and I didn't. How am I going to live with these feelings of regret? I'm just sick to my stomach for leaving him that first night and for taking him at all. Maybe I should have had Lap of Love come and assess him first but I really thought maybe it's a dental issue or he's constipated. I worry that the emergency room created a great deal of trauma and stress that made it all snowball. I told him at one point, you have to eat this food and they'll let you go home and he did lick it which if you know what a picky eater he was, you'd know that was successful. But the vet didn't consider that to be enough. Now I don't know if I should've have advocated more or if it would have caused more pain and stress. I feel like he wasn't looking at me because he didn't think it was the right decision. He wanted to go home.
I just don't know and it's all so fresh. But I do know I love him more than anything in this whole world. I had him for 13 years. He was my soulmate, my get out of bed dog. We've been through it all. I held him and snuggled him and kissed him so much, even in the end. I told him I loved him over and over again. I love him so fiercely, I don't know how to live without him. I'm worried we'll never see our babies again in any kind of afterlife. I'm worried I'll get a pet psychic reading and they'll say he wasn't ready. He was mad you didn't get him home like you promised. How do we move past it all? I know I did right by him in many ways but I feel like I failed him in the very end. I can't shake the feeling that it wasn't the right decision. I'm heartbroken.