You get sentenced to 25-to-life for first-degree murder, because vampires aren't real and you just impaled a pale night-shift worker with a severe vitamin D deficiency.

Hannah walked past a lonely man, when suddenly he yelled: "Oooooh, woman, may you help me!"

She turned to him, and glanced at him with a super menacing stare...

And then she just walked away!

It depends what time they flash the bat signal

I’m not sure of the reason.

It's really expensive and has a steep learning curve.

"Ay bro, wanna come diffuse that landmine?"

"Bitch, I'm trying to sleep, how about you go and-"

"No need to be rude, friend."

"Really?"

"..."

Police officers just diffused the landmine instead, and the two men literally did not do anything and just sat in complete silence.

a pile of diarrhea with chewing gum in it

"Hello there, father."

"Hello there, son."

"I have no money."

"I guess."

"Dude, why is that what you're saying, help me!"

"No, I don't really want to."

"You're my father."

"I know that."

"...Are you, like, actually going to help?"

"No."

"Okay."

What a horrible father.

An ANGRY duck.

He is opposed to eating processed, sugary snacks. He much prefers bread and wine.

Paint yourself green, preheat the oven to 350 and then throw spoons at her.

go to a Latin American country or Texas

Edit: also Ohio

Somebody else's cheese.

Me: i saw a wolf on my way to work today
Wife: where?
Me: no, the other kind

He said "nine". I did not mistake this to be the German word for "no", since I had asked him the question in English and it would have been highly illogical for him to answer it in a different language.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?"

Technically the chicken crossing the road would be the literal first, but I didn't identify that it was an anti-joke or why it was even funny until I was much older lol. The tractor one I instantly clocked as a kid and it started my love for this kind of stuff.

Free candy on Halloween

There’s not really a reliable way to tell if someone is a vegan, as physiologically and behaviorally they are by and large just like anyone else. You could maybe make a reasonable deduction if you had access to to someone’s meal log or some other kind of dietary record, but even then you would just be making an assumption without having a factual basis to make a determination.