Haven’t worn a dress in ages. My muscles and boxers cancel out my dysphoria

I was Minnie Mouse at an Orchard/Cidery Halloween party over the weekend; and I’ll be Eeyore (RIP Peter Cullen) for my house party! First time in heels and I think I did alright (I didn’t need my safety crocs lol)! My last outfit will be Magenta from Rocky Horror for a Halloween midnight showing!

I am a 17 year old Chinese non binary boarding student in the UK and I want to get puberty blockers, even though it is probably too late for that. However, I have 6 big hurdles

1. The NHS doesn't allow puberty blockers for minors anymore, and even if I wait til I'm 18, they'll put me on a long waiting list and will need parental consent, buy then it's literally useless, and if I use private healthcare, that is way too expensive and also requires parental consent

2. Being Chinese, my parents believe in traditional values and have expressed multiple times that they "support the LGBTQ community but are disgusted by them" and there's no way that they would support me

3. If I get DIY HRT, then I still don't have money, and also the packages would be delivered to my school, where it WILL be checked to ensure students' safety. Even if it somehow sent to my house, my parents would check what it is

4. I have not found a single person IRL who is supportive of the LGBTQ+, I think about 95% of my school is homophobic and practically 100% are transphobic, meaning the "deliver it to a friend's house and ask them to give it to you" trick won't work either, because I have no friends

5. Even if I did acquire it, people IRL will notice the changes and question me, and it's especially bad if my parents find out because I will ABSOLUTELY be disowned, this goes for finding the actual puberty blockers itself

I've been looking for ways to get on puberty blockers for like 4 years now and I think it's probably too late anyway. I asked so many people on the internet and they have no clue either, I've been trying to make friends in real life too but they're all bigoted, and I'm sick of seeing my body becoming more and more intolerable while not being able to do anything about it. It's not fair and it's not even my fault, I did all I could, I even moved to a whole different country just to have a better chance and I failed, and it's not like I missed my chance because I didn't take it, it's entirely because of external factors.

I don't want to get on hormones because that will just give me secondary sexual characteristics of the opposite sex, which would still make me dysphoric. So am I just screwed? Because I heard on the internet that even if I SOMEHOW got puberty blockers right now, it's already too late since I've already been through puberty, I was hoping to stop bone growth so I could get androgynous proportions, but I guess my goal of wanting a completely androgynous body is literally impossible to achieve anymore.

Growing out my hair has always been a battle but I’m excited to start this journey all over again

I fear the only way people will only take me seriously / respect me as an NB person is if I'm 100% transfeminine i.e. 'one of the dolls'. Whilst I do feel a connection to femininity, it doesn't go as far as a full embrace - I still feel comfort in and identify with more masculine forms of identity and expression (I'm not sure if I am bigender or genderfluid with incredibly fast shifts in gender identity).

I've started experimenting with more feminine / androgynous means of expression privately, and it didn't lead to any major revelations or breakthroughs - feminine expression didn't feel any more or less natural to me than masculine. Now I'm afraid I will disappoint / disgust the actual trans / queer people from who I took inspiration to explore such expression. They will see me as a horrid, attention-seeking nondysphoric pervert making a mockery of the true pain and horror of their experience.

Got a preventative mastectomy recently and decided to do flat closer and omg I'm so happy wearing any shirts now

Looking at last year's photo now I can see how much pain and sadness I was hiding behind that smile. The transformation from simply coming to terms with my identity and presenting how I want is wild to me!!

I was on T for like 4.5 years. I started on gel then switched to SQ shots. The main thing I wanted from T was a deeper voice. My voice barely changed in all that time but it was really high to begin with. Now I have a full beard that I’ll have to spend thousands on electrolysis to remove. I regret staying on T for so long. I should have stopped like 2 years previously when I just had a bit of facial hair. My voice didn’t change at all in the last 2 years.

I've just had top surgery and I'm trying to figure out my style again. It's not so much I'm trying to "pass" as a guy, but be masc. enough to be gendered as one out and about. Go back to 80/20 gendered male/female instead of the other way around. My confidence is back now with surgery - I used to pass as a teen, but as an adult no longer on T, I just look like a smaller version of my mum with face fuzz.

After recovery, I want to develop more muscle to get that V shape. I gave up before because growing chest and back muscles meant my chest looked bigger. So, it's just yoga, walking and biking. My sides are shaved in a mohawk style with rat tails. I really want to grow my hair, it's 3a/3b texture - I wear it out in a afro mohawk or do mini braids or cornrows. I LOVE the idea of my curly hair being long down my back with sides shaved, and being muscular and flat chested wearing a crop tank and my belly piercing showing. Sometimes use makeup to darken my face fuzz.

I think the issue I have is my wardrobe is a bit too creative for cishet men in my region who just wear boring tracksuits. I would describe it like one of a vampire goblin librarian - crust jeans, battle jackets, socks and jumpers with mushrooms and skulls and rats on, mostly black or green oxford shirts, natural fibres over polyester. I like my style, but outside queer spaces it feels like "obviously it's a woman because men can't sew a skull patch on some jeans" or like "obviously a girl because she has funky socks, real men just wear plain".

I don't want to lose this new confidence top surgery has given me. I want to go back to using men's toilets in peace, to being gendered as a man outside of my safe spaces where I'm proudly a gender confusion. I speak from my chest, using a deeper and louder tone from taking testosterone. I will slowly build back muscle as my body allows it during the first year of recovery. I can't do anything about being 5 feet tall, but the gym and top surgery will help clothes fit differently.

I just don't see many masculine alt/goth/punk styles, especially on black/brown bodies or short kings - it's not as varied as it is for women. I'm so exhausted the oversized look that's the uniform for trans guys. It makes me look even shorter, and I think infantilizes me. I prefer relaxed/fitted clothes. Moving closer to my 30s, I want to create a style, have an aura that's two sided - for the cishets, I'm a (gay) Black guy who likes metal and rock, and for the queers, I'm a fellow transmasc. who likes foraging and tarot.

what the title says. i'm in a job rehabilitation program and the psychotherapist/trainer brought this up in our first talk:

\- for how long i am on hrt

\- what my goal is

\- when i talked about bad experiences with people who have insecurities and project things into my autistic behaviour (like not smiling at them etc.) a personal/relationship problem and start bullying me, she assumed that the people are mostly confused about my gender and insecure how they can interact with me

\-she then concluded i could find out in my (trauma) therapy, that i'll hopefully start soon, how to give people (gendered?) signals that they can understand, so they feel more comfortable/secure around me....

soo.. did she actually tell me to present more binary and not to confuse the cissys so much? excuse me?

still processing this here and what to make out of it.

picture for illustration/humour/cute halloweeny goblin greetings

These are a list of Neopronouns I made for my characters in Spanish

I do take criticism and suggestions and both would be a great help

For example what would help it flow better in Spanish

Ell/ells ex: ell es muy bonit

Ellí/ellís ex: ellí es muy bonití

Oll/ollas ex: oll es muy bonita

All/allos ex: all es muy bonito

Llo/llos ex: llo es muy bonito

Lla/llas ex: lla es muy bonita

Ellu/ellus ex: ellu es muy bonito