Like the title says, my husband and I have been married for 12 years and have two kids, 12 and 3. My husband has a rocky work history (quitting with no backup plan, walking out of a job when I got the CEO to put in a good word for him, etc) and he was fired from his last job 6 years ago. It's important to note that this was not due to COVID, he was fired in November of 2019 and since then he's made no real effort to find a job. A couple years into his unemployment I asked him for help on two or three separate occasions. I told him we needed more money, and I needed him to get a job. Nothing came of it.
Now, for the past 3 years he's been home taking care of our toddler and he does carry his weight around the house as well by basic cleaning, taking care of our youngest, and cooking dinner every night. I do cook on weekends, always take the kids out to play dates or the park, and do any deep cleaning or organizing in the house.
Now, I do make decent money so I can keep us afloat and we are able to take one family vacation to my home country in the EU every year as well, but cost of living is rising here in the US and every time we argue I find myself throwing it in his face that he doesn't work and doesn't make any money, and that because of that we are in some cc debt and don't own a house yet. I have told him I resent him for it because I am now responsible for everything financial when that is not what I wanted. The last few times we have been arguing, he told me I'm acting like a classic misogynist. Am I? And how can I approach this in a different way?

As the title says. Let me preface by saying I've never felt insecure with my boyfriend before. Our relationship is overall great, he's very loving and compliments me all the time. But recently my boyfriend and I were talking about looks/rating scales. I'm of the mindset that they're stupid, everyone has a different thing they find attractive and rating people on a scale is shallow. My boyfriend is of the mindset that there are conventional attractiveness parameters that exist on a scale, and before I could say anything else he said, "You and I for example are sixes." When I shot him a look he's like, "Of course you're a ten to me babe but I'm also a realist. Neither of us are Hollywood tens and that's OK."

Now, I'm getting all up in my head about it. I know I'm realistically not a Hollywood ten, but no girl wants to hear their boyfriend call them a six either. It makes me wonder if he's always comparing me physically to other women and I don't like having those thoughts in my head. Now, do I talk to him about how it made me feel or just let it slide?

Tl:dr boyfriend called me a six and I'm debating if I should tell him how it hurt me.

TLDR: been get her only a month officially but friends for a year but emotionally it was more. He is immature but he is kind and I love him. He never tells me to change but he doesn’t appreciate the way I look when it’s not sexual.

Just to preface I don’t particularly like the word “provocative” but couldn’t think of another word for it 😭. We do have an age gap but I’m wondering if it’s to do with that and if this is normal? But for Halloween he wants me to dress as a fembot from Austin powers but originally wanted something more revealing. He only really finds me attractive when I’m wearing short skirts which I did once because it’s not really my style.

We are British and he uses the word “tart” or looking “tarty” as a compliment whenever I dress more revealing and has said that he prefers if I dress that way/ look that way. I showed him a picture from when I was his age and he went omg you looked so tarty… in a way that was really positive. I’ve expressed I don’t like this but he continues and I think it’s just immaturity.

But today when we walked to the shops I noticed he was looking at other girls in revealing Halloween costumes and it made me feel like shit. I’d appreciate any advice pls

My boyfriend and I usually talk late into the night because that's when we're both free. We argue sometimes, which is normal. He does have the habit of blowing things out of proportion and small arguments turn into something almost relationship- ending. Whenever I realise that an argument is becoming too much, I stop and try to deflect the conversation to something else but he often refuses to relent and ends up saying some very hurtful things. After the argument, he goes to sleep peacefully while I stay awake the whole night, and have a shitty day at work the next day.

I brought up this issue and told him how these arguments were hurting me both mentally and physically. He said that it's not his responsibility that I stay awake after an argument, there's nothing to blame him for it.

How do I make him understand that this is not how a responsible adult is supposed to act like in a relationship? I am almost considering breaking up with him over this comment.

My husband and I are in a long-distance marriage. I live in one city and he lives in another. Recently, he traveled to a third city to meet a female friend who was visiting from abroad on a business trip.

For context, this friend attended our wedding, and I’ve met her once. She’s married and has a one-year-old baby.

Before he left, I asked him where he would be staying. He told me that his friend would have him stay in a separate room with her male colleagues. I asked him about the arrangements at least two or three times because, before this trip, I’d already made it clear that I wasn’t comfortable with him spending the night in the same room as another woman.

This had come up before we got married, too. One of his exes, who is now a friend, once asked if she could stay at his place while visiting. He was initially neutral about it because accommodating visiting friends was normal in their friend group. However, I expressed that I wasn’t comfortable with it, and he arranged for her to stay with another friend instead.

So, I thought we understood each other’s expectations on this issue.

After this recent trip, my husband returned to his city while I remained in mine. We were talking on the phone, and about 30 minutes into the conversation, I asked him where he’d slept during the trip.

That’s when he told me that he had actually slept in his female friend’s room for one of the nights. Apparently, there were two queen beds in the room. He then explained that he’d slept in a different room for the other two nights.

I was completely blindsided.

I didn’t immediately accuse him of anything. I just told him that he hadn’t thought it was important to mention this to me. He hadn’t brought it up before the trip, during the trip, or even after returning. I only found out because I specifically asked him.

I am not sure what to feel right now. I have always trusted my husband but why would he intentionally hide this fact from me? And getting a room in a hotel isn’t difficult. He could have gotten a room if no other option was available since he knew I wouldn’t like it. But now he says that I never said he couldn’t sleep in the same room so he thought it was fine. I am at a loss for words.

Trigger warning: mentions of sexual and physical abuse.

I’m not sure I’m posting this to the right community so my apologizes in advance if this is not the right place. Also, not sure if there’s enough context here, but I’m hoping this is enough info. There is a lotttt to the situation and I didn’t want to write a novel.

So, I started seeing someone while I was in a long-term relationship that we'd opened up. From early on, he pushed hard for me to leave my partner. He insisted my relationship was clearly over and told me that being with him was the "ethical" and "right" thing to do. When I couldn't see him, he'd make me feel guilty.

Over time it escalated, and he repeatedly threatened my partner, including saying he would kill him. He did eventually apologize, but only after I really put my foot down. It didn't feel like he understood why it was wrong.

He has also been physically violent with me and crossed my sexual boundaries without my consent. Those things have stopped, but I'm still not sure I feel safe.

On the surface he can seem kind and thoughtful, but when I'm with him I never feel at ease. Something always feels off. But I keep thinking it might be because I’m not giving it enough of a chance (something he’s told me I haven’t done). My ex, by contrast, always felt safe.

Right now I've decided to be on my own rather than commit to either of them, but I'm still seeing him and still in touch with my ex.

My gut has been telling me for a long time that he's a bad person, but he makes me feel like I can't trust myself. Has anyone been with someone like this? How did you know for sure, and how did you get out?

It seems like the answer is obvious, but for whatever reason I keep second guessing myself and I suppose look to other people for validation and perspective.

I really appreciate any insight I can get.

For the last maybe year my boyfriend has been pressuring me to have sex with him basically all day everyday. From the time I wake up to well after I’ve tried to go to bed.
Let’s start with the fact that I have a chronic illness and I feel absolutely miserable (physically) most of the time. I fight really hard to make it through a regular day. I used to love my sex life and value it. Things were great between us. Until it became so much pressure and not fun anymore. It’s no longer a fun thing we do, it’s an obligation that if I don’t meet he treats me poorly.
If I wake up and get out of bed he gets angry that I got up before he could try for sex. Doesn’t matter if I am getting up for work at 5:30 am, or even when I’m really sick and only going to the bathroom. It’s gotten so bad that I hold my pee in the mornings so that I don’t have to deal with the pressure of him knowing I’m awake and having to have sex just because I am his girlfriend and I owe it to him.
All day he makes comments about sex. “Jokes” comments about how I “owe him something” and he “takes payment in all forms”. He has this phrase he says when he wants sex and he says it I swear every two hours. It doesn’t feel fun for me anymore. It feels like if I don’t my whole world will close in on me until I do and psychologically it’s messing me up. He gets REALLY mean if we go even two days without it. The longer we go, the more mean he is.
We recently had a stretch of not being intimate because I’m having a hard time mentally with the way he’s making me feel. The other day we were intimate and the whole next day he was on top of the world. Then it all just started over again. The pressure, the dirty looks every time I catch him looking at me. The constant criticism.
I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he just gets angry at me. I’ve told him to give me space and wait for me to make the moves but he still verbally pressures me all day. On the days he doesn’t get what he wants everything I do is wrong, I’m a brat, just bad days.
On the days he does, boy I hung the moon. Gifts, love and affection, happy happy.
He says he doesn’t understand why I can’t just give him what he wants and then I could just be happy. He sighs and punishes me with space when I say no at night. We fight all day when I say no in the morning.
To me this feels like abuse.
I’d like replies from men, (women still welcome) because I’m so jaded at this point.. like is this really the norm???

I (25F) have been good friends with a guy (25M) for about 7 years. We met during freshman year of college, in 2019. Ever since we met we became close really quickly and always had a great time together. One time in 2021, we had sex. It was a drunken one night thing and we both agreed we are better off to just stay friends after that. Things were fine after that, and we both started dating other people and the sex never ruined the friendship. For some context, before i get blamed for sharing a bed with him, this was always the type of relationship we had. We went to a big party school and bed sharing was common among my friends even with the guys. It was never sexual or implied anything.

Over the years we grew slightly apart. I had a boyfriend, he had a girlfriend, I graduated college before him and moved to a different state. Life just got in the way and we didn’t really see each other for like 2 years. We’d text occasionally and see each other on social media, but we definitely weren’t super close. We both ended our relationships with our respective partners during this time too.

Early this year, we started chatting a lot, but I was living in a different state. Once I moved back to the area, we agreed that I would come visit him in NYC. so this august I went to visit. One thing led to another and we ended up having a loooot of sex. It was totally unexpected on my end, but I really enjoyed it! We spent the whole weekend eating, drinking, and fucking. We talked about it and agreed no strings attached.

The sex was fun and good, but he really is still just my friend. I don’t have any romantic feelings for him or anything, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn’t really want to have sex again with him. I didn’t want to make things complicated and I’m not like suuuper attracted to him. I feel kind of bad saying this, but I don’t think he’s my physical type.

So this weekend I went back to visit him. He asked about sex and I told him ahead of time that sex isn’t promised and we need to play it by ear. I told him it wasn’t an absolute “no”, but to not get his hopes up because I’m not sure if that’s the vibe this time. He seemed ok with that answer.

I got to his apartment yesterday. I am on my period and feeling kind of tired and blegh, and also I made the decision that this wasn’t going to be a sexy visit. I just wanted to see my friend. I wasn’t trying to have sex, regardless of being on my period. I was only able to stay with him for one night (last night). When I got there, I told him “hey just to make things clear ahead of time, I don’t want to have sex this weekend.” I told him i was on my period and he said “I don’t mind”. I told him thanks but I still don’t want to have sex I just want to hang out as friends.

We went out last night and got a little drunk. When we got home, I was drunk and tired and just wanted to get into bed. He suddenly switched up on me. He was angry and pushy. I asked what the problem was and he goes “so, no sex?” I was stunned. I told him “no I don’t want to”, and he wouldn’t take that as an answer. He didn’t physically try anything, but he guilted me over and over again and kept me awake for hours because he was quite literally huffing and puffing so loudly I couldn’t fall asleep. He kept begging and asking me why not and what was wrong and he was throwing his arms up in the air and smacking the bed. It was the most childish and weird thing I have ever seen. I am totally turned off.

I would have moved to the couch but it’s very tiny and I’m on the taller side. I’m upset and feel really gross. I talked to him this morning and he apologized, but it’s not okay. where do I go from here?

We live together since last year, she is actually a nice person, but I very quickly understood that she doesn't know how to interact with people and is extremely self-absorbed. She starts talking to you as if she is recording a podcast, not asking you a single question (i'm talking 20+ minutes without a stop), just telling you stories from her life or sharing her opinions on stuff you never asked her about. As soon as I realized this i just started avoiding talking to her. Some of people who visited me before also complained about her talking to them too much and not letting them speak.

But two days ago was the last straw. I was celebrating my birthday and I invited people over. She didn't know any of them before but she did the usual thing - started talking without asking people a single question. Since there were about 10 people, guests divided into smaller groups. She went to each of that groups and started making all the conversations about herself. At one point she brought her photo album from her room and started showing photos to my friends... I was super tired cause I've been cooking the whole day and making sure guests feel well. The day didn't even feel like my birthday cause nobody besides one friend asked me a single question. I was just standing there either making more food or washing the dishes. One of my friends approached me twice and started a conversation with me, both times my roommate heard us talking, approached us and made the conversation about herself.

The next day two of my friends who were at the party told me that she talks too much and doesn't listen. The funniest thing is that she's studying psychology. Idk how such a person can treat anyone. Only after the party i realized something went wrong. I felt empty and exhausted, one of my friends texted me later and asked if i was doing ok, because he noticed that i was distant and tired. It didn't feel like my birthday at all. What can I do about this? She told me that her bf and other people tell her that she talks too much but seems like she doesn't give a fuck, or i'd say she's not capable to listen to others. She just doesn't understand how human interactions work. What would you do if you were me?

TL; DR My roommate who talks too much and doesn't let people speak drags all the attention to herself and this ruined my birthday party

My (34F) husband is in his 40s and still struggles with severe acne. He got a prescription for Accutane about a year ago (after I pushed him to see a dermatologist) but didn’t start taking it because he's worried about the side effects.

His acne is very noticeable. He gets a lot of angry, inflamed breakouts and visible whiteheads. He sweats a ton at work and has extremely oily skin, so Accutane would almost definitely make a huge difference. I also think it bears mentioning that his father has/had the same skin issues and they did not resolve with age.

I'm going to sound like an asshole…. but I'm getting to the point where sometimes I'm embarrassed by how bad his skin looks. I feel AWFUL even admitting that.

We've been together for over 10 years, and this man has almost NEVER made me feel insecure about my appearance…. I literally can only think one time he made joke about my new hair color ~8 years ago. The last thing I want is to make him feel like I find him unattractive.

How do I approach this without making him feel terrible about himself? Is there a way to encourage him without making it obvious that his skin is bothering me?

I'd especially love to hear from people who have struggled with severe adult acne. How would you want your spouse to approach this? Would you even want them to bring it up?

I (28F) was dating a man (26M) for about 4 months now. From the get go he told me how important his best friend (25F) was to him. I told him I didn't want to enter anything messy & if they had feelings for each other! wasn't going to date him any longer. He assured me there were no feelings.

As we went on, he told me he wouldn't let me do his hair because that was their special thing & in time he'll get comfortable with it. Weird, but I'll respect it for now.

Then later he told me that he did previously ask her out & she rejected him. I told him I didn't like that because the way she rejected him also left the door open. She had said she wasn't looking for a relationship right now. & this was maybe 7 months before we started dating.
& he reassured me again that he doesn't want her.
He sees a future with me.

Then she started doing things for him such as leaving her things in his car. & I told him I didn't like that because it was like marking your territory in girl world. & he said he would talk to her & take her stuff out.

Then she would call him all the time even when he was with me. I only see him on the weekends for now. & that cuts into our time together. Then she started doing things for him such as leaving her things in his car. & I told him I didn't like that because it was like marking your territory in girl world. & he said he would talk to her & take her stuff out.

Then she would call him all the time even when he was with me. I only see him on the weekends for now. & that cuts into our time together.

I voiced all my concerns to him & he said he would set more boundaries with her. & he did. We proceeded with our relationship. I met his family & he would stay over at my place during the weekends.

But 3 & a half months into us dating she felt the need to tell him that she realizes she has feelings for him now & being around us (our relationship) will cause her discomfort & she has to get over the future she saw with him.

Well I guess her sudden realization made him realize he still has feelings for her & he has to take this opportunity to see where it could have gone. Even though he told me he loves me, slept with me & told me I was his dream girl, he feels like he has to see what could have been with her.

I don't feel heartbroken, but I do feel blindsided. I told him time & time again how uncomfortable she made me & how disrespectful she was being towards us/me. He dismissed all my concerns & just set more
"boundaries" with her.

& I asked him point blank why he would still want to be friends with someone who doesn't respect his relationship & all he could say was he knows she didn't mean it that way & she was struggling with her feelings.

Sorry in advance for the long post: I want to provide as much context as I can

My boyfriend and I recently bought our first home together, and something that’s becoming increasingly frustrating is how particular he is about our belongings and how other people behave in our house.

For context, my boyfriend is someone who takes very good care of his belongings. He has high standards for how things should be maintained, cleaned, and treated. I actually appreciate that about him, and I agree that people should respect other people’s property.

But, I feel like his expectations are becoming excessive, particularly when it comes to my friends and family.
We’re currently planning our housewarming party, and instead of being excited about hosting, he’s bringing up hypothetical scenarios about what guests might do wrong eg. he’s asking what happens if people get too drunk, lose control, use recreational drugs in our home, or damage our belongings.
I understand discussing boundaries around things like drugs, excessive drinking, or genuinely destructive behavior. I have no issue with us agreeing on house rules together. And I usually agree with him on most.

**My issue is that he seems to assume people will behave irresponsibly before they’ve actually done anything wrong.**
My friends aren’t particularly wild or destructive people. The worst thing they’ve done when visiting was forget to use coasters on our table.
My boyfriend was extremely upset about this. He said he feels like he has to be “the parent looking after all the children” and questioned why I didn’t notice and correct their behavior.
Now he’s said “fine I won’t care about anything we own. I don’t give a sh\*t about anything then”
But I genuinely wasn’t bothered by the coasters. The particular table they were using is easy to wipe down (since I am the one cleaning most of the time anyway), and I didn’t consider it a big deal.

He believes everyone should automatically know to use coasters on every table because that’s how considerate people behave.
And that’s where we fundamentally disagree.
I don’t think someone forgetting a coaster automatically makes them inconsiderate or disrespectful. People have different habits, and sometimes they simply don’t know the expectations in someone else’s home.
If something matters to him, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to politely ask guests to use coasters. But he seems to expect me to anticipate and police everyone’s behavior according to his standards.

**I’ve also noticed what feels like a double standard between his family and mine.**
For example, when my mother visited, he was concerned about her using certain kitchen knives because he didn’t believe she would take proper care of them. Now I get it - my mom is chaotic but she’s still an adult. I felt so embarrassed telling her not to use a particular knife and I could see she was weirded out by it when I asked.
But he doesn’t seem to have the same concerns about his own family.
His explanation is that he learned to take care of belongings from his family, so he trusts that they’ll treat things properly. He doesn’t necessarily trust other people to have the same standards.
To me, that feels unfair. He’s effectively assuming that my friends and family are less considerate than his, without necessarily giving them the opportunity to demonstrate otherwise.

I understand that accidents happen. Someone might spill a drink, break a glass, or forget a coaster. Obviously, deliberate disrespect or repeated carelessness is different, but I don’t believe every mistake reflects someone’s character.
I want our home to be somewhere people feel comfortable, relaxed, and welcome. I don’t want guests feeling like they’re walking on eggshells or being constantly monitored.

My boyfriend seems to view things differently. He wants to protect our belongings and ensure everyone treats them with the same level of care that he does.
And I respect that to a point.
What bothers me is that his personal standards seem to become the default rules for everyone, including me.

When I don’t share his level of concern about something, I feel like he interprets that as me not caring about our belongings or being inconsiderate.
But I do care. I just don’t believe that caring about your belongings means needing to control every possible situation or prevent every potential accident. This isn’t the first time we’ve disagreed over household standards, and I’m starting to feel exhausted by it.
I feel like there’s very little room for different opinions about what constitutes reasonable care, because his standards are treated as the objectively correct ones.
I’m becoming resentful and honestly exhausted, to the point where I’ve even questioned whether I want to continue the relationship. I don’t want to make that decision out of frustration, but I also don’t want to spend my life feeling like I’m constantly being corrected or expected to manage other adults. He says he has to be the parent with all of us behaving like children but he’s putting himself in that position with his monitoring and overthinking.

Where is the line between reasonable boundaries about your home and controlling behavior?
How can I communicate that I respect his concerns without agreeing that everyone needs to live according to his standards?
I genuinely want different perspectives because I understand that this is his home too, and his comfort matters just as much as mine. But I also feel like my idea of what makes a home welcoming and comfortable is being pushed aside.

It’s also like hitting my head against a wall because he basically wants me to prove that people aren’t inconsiderate before he feels comfortable. Why can’t we just have a housewarming that we’re both excited about without being concerned that people are going to wreck things? I haven’t sent the invites out yet and I’m thinking of just not doing it in the first place.

For some context, I (31f) work a full-time job with a lot of recent overtime hours so I'm working about six days a week currently. My fiance (32m) has been a stay at home dad to our three and a half year old while also taking care of his elderly grandmother who has mobility issues. He drives me to work and from work every day. My shifts are 6:30am to 3pm. By the time he gets home from dropping me off at work in the morning, our daughter is up waiting with her greatgrandma so he rarely gets to go back to sleep after. On the days I have off work, I always get up with our daughter to give him a break and let him sleep in as long as he wants. He really is a great dad and hardly ever gets time to himself, even when I encourage it just because he's so dedicated to taking care of his grandma. My birthday is in two days, and last month I asked my fiance that if I took off work on my birthday, would he plan a day for just the two of us and he agreed. I have no idea what is planned but knowing him it won't be anything too crazy. I do know that he got a babysitter for the whole day (his mom lol which was my suggestion). So I was also thinking of asking to sleep in for my birthday, but would that be too much? I feel like he already does a lot as a stay at home parent and I try to make up for that as much as I can when I'm home. Logically I know it's not an unreasonable request to want to sleep in on my birthday, but he gets up early almost as much as I do so I feel bad even asking. if you were in my fiance's shoes, how would you respond to the request? Thanks for any and all advice ☺️

I havent posted on reddit before this so I hope I’m doing this right lol. First up, thanks to all those who responded I really appreciate the advice. I agree with most of the comments saying I needed to set boundaries and/or tell Sadie how I feel. I didn’t want to dump that on her while she’s still relying on me for a place to stay so I decided to have a serious talk with her first. I basically sat her down and said that I love having her here and hanging out so often but that I feel like I need my own space and if she felt comfortable looking for her own apartment.

She was very understanding about it and said she would. When she first moved in, her and Ben were still figuring out their financials and she wanted to know what the situation was before looking for her own place. It’s since been resolved, she has a well-paying job, and she can afford her own place. I was helping her look for apartments and she said she wanted to stay in the area since her job was pretty close to where I live. It turns out that my friend Chris, who lives in the same complex but a different building, just had his roommate move out and when he heard Sadie was looking he offered it to her. She said yes and started working on the paperwork right away. She’s planning on moving out later this week.

At that point I still wasn’t a 100% sure I wanted to tell her about my feelings. I figured I could just wait until she moves out and see if that changes anything. Last night, I was helping her pack some of her things and we were drinking a little, and she made this joking comment about how she was going to miss cuddling with me and Queso (my cat). I made a joke back about how she’s only sad about moving out because she can’t take the cat. We always make jokes about how Queso is the backbone of our mental health so I was kind of riffing off that when she got really quiet and serious.

She just looked at me and started saying that I’m a really great friend and that she’s so grateful to know me and how much I’ve helped her over the past few months, just trying to get me to accept a compliment, I guess. I don’t know why, but I just started crying. We don’t really have serious conversations like that very often and I guess it just hit me all at once how I’ve been feeling.

She hugged me for a long time and kept saying how much she loved me and I decided in the moment that I had to tell her. So I did. I told her basically everything I said in the first post, that I’d had a crush on her years ago and worked through it but I felt the feelings coming back and I was so scared of how it might change things between us and that’s why I asked her to move out. She kept holding me and didn’t say anything for a while before she kinda laughed a little. I asked what was funny and she said that she’d been worried about the same thing.

She said that she thinks she also has feelings for me but wasn’t sure because she’d never really felt attracted to another woman before. She said the cuddling and hand-holding was her trying to subtly test the waters to see if she would feel the same butterflies she used to feel with Ben. She didn’t want to say anything until she was sure it’s what she wanted so she wouldn’t make things weird if it wasn’t.

We talked about it for a long time and long story short: we’re going to try. We’re going to take it slow and agreed that no matter what happens we’re still going to be friends through this, but we have a date scheduled for this saturday. I don’t know if this is going to work out or not. I’m trying not to get my hopes too high but it’s been hard not to smile every time I saw her today. I really wanted to kiss her last night but decided to wait until she had moved out before trying anything physical, especially if she needs space to process whats she feeling since this is all so new for her.

Thanks again to everyone for the advice. I don’t think I would’ve had the guts to say anything without yall. Has anyone else been in a situation like this and how did it turn out?

My wife and I have been together for 14 years, married for 9. For the past several years, whenever we're around company, particularly strangers, she dips in and out of an extremely over the top Boston accent. Think Good Will Hunting or The Departed, but worse.

We both grew up about 45 minutes from Boston. I recognize that we have accents, but they're NO WHERE close to what she's doing in these situations. Just COMPLETELY dropping her "R's" altogether. We grew up about 10 miles from each other. No one in our cities nor adjacent cities talks like that. No one in either of our families talks like that. She does not talk like that... normally. She has never talked like that. She has a twin sister. She does not talk like that. 

This is not how she talks when it's just her and I. When it first started happening, I would just kinda smirk and mock what she said by repeating it the way she said it in a playful way. She ignored it. Eventually, I confronted her directly privately. She claimed she "hides" her accent normally, and sometimes it just comes out. Besides the issues I highlighted above, it happens way too predictably for me to believe her.

We travel a few times a year. Her "accent" comes out EVERY time she talks to someone from wherever we travel to. It makes me cringe so hard now. It's to the point where I'm having a hard time shaking the cringe and it's affecting my ability to have fun with her. I genuinely wish it could be explained as a split personality. I've confronted her multiple times on it. Each time she flat out denies it's not real.

She's a wonderful woman. I love her very much. She's smart, has a successful career, she's funny, we do charity work, we travel the world together. She definitely doesn't need to do this accent for what I feel is cheap attention. She's an interesting person! There's a million things she could tell these people about herself to spark a conversation. 

I'm usually very good about communicating. Particularly in our relationship. I'm at a roadblock with this issue. Do I just leave it and do my best to fight through the cringe and hope it resolves itself?

TLDR: My wife is dipping in and out of using an over the top Boston accent around other people and it's starting to really bother me. I've lived 45 minutes away from Boston my entire life. I know many people that live in the heart of Boston and the surrounding areas. I've never heard a Boston accent as thick as she's claiming to have somewhat suddenly. Please help.

genuinely don’t know what a normal marriage is supposed to feel like anymore, and i need an outside perspective.

my husband 35M and i 33F have been together for nearly 16 years happily had many children together. we are a big family, built an entire life together, and i love him. but i feel like i’m slowly dying inside. i’ve started keeping a list of things that happen because i genuinely question my own perception of things sometimes. individually, some of these might sound small or like normal marriage frustrations. collectively i could use help understanding.

when i bring up wanting us to be happy together, he cuts it short and says things will be better when the kids are gone and he doesn’t have all this shit to worry about. he says all he does is work and come home to parent, repeat. he wants to rush through this part of life. sometimes i wonder if he feels like i ruined his young adult life.

he has grown more and more cruel over time. he expresses his unhappiness and how unhappy he is with his life. we have a beautiful home, it’s larger, a large back yard, good schools. we have several kids, he mentions though how he can’t wait to be done with parenting often. he will say how unhappy he is how he just is unhappy. if i bring up our “nice things” he’ll say “nah”. he is a great dad, and for the first several years i questioned if he was just burnt out. but he refused to get snipped. more babies. i begged he cancelled appts. and then finally after the last pregnancy, he was angry, wanted me to not have the baby, but i chose to. he came around. and then i tied my tubes bc he refused to.

lately he just says how we have no time together without the kids which is true. we are together all the time unless he is at work and we have little to no outside help. but idk if it’s wearing thin on him. i feel i carry a substanial amt of home stuff. i feel deep anxiety before he walks in the door bc i want it to feel good for him. but he says he can’t wait until the kids are gone, this phase of life is over etc.

he reminds me often that i carry nothing, while he works and makes all of the money. feels that he carries everything, that he makes all the money and everything is given to me. he thinks i’m a welfare kid who grew up unable to be a regular adult. he says he overly supports me and that i’m full of incompletions in life. i’m a stay at home mom i don’t work. we can’t afford daycare, though, 2 little kids at home and im wrapping up a degree so i can work as soon as they are able to be in school. i’m ready to start a career. he used to hate the idea. suddenly lately he seems thrilled by it.

he in the past has talked badly about me in front of our kids, making comments about how i’m going to spend all his money or how one day i’ll be smart enough to ask questions about the budget. he makes negative comments about me around them often enough that it has become embarrassing and demeaning. he has made jokes about my appearance, things i can’t change, and lately if i dress up, he sometimes comes home and belittles me. i put on cute yoga shorts and he looked at me waiting and said i looked like boxer who will beat him up. told me maybe if “my clothes fit right” he’d be turned on. I am pretty slim, dealing with some health issues and so my clothes have been a little loose.

yet says he wants me to stay fit and worries that as i age i’ll let myself go. based on his porn i wonder if he just hopes i were a slightly less skinny girl. he is however afraid of aging. it’s gotten bad, maybe mid life crisis. in the midst of an argument he said he’ll still be attracted to 25-35 yr old women when he’s 80 because “that’s the standard of beauty, everyone feels that way”. so that obviously men look at younger women in porn.

when i get hurt, or im upset, be it physical pain, or emotionally upset, he gets annoyed. he is never genuinely concerned. he doesn’t stop, he sometimes will even actually purposely start a new convo to avoid me. like asking the kids a question. if he does, he might ask if i’m okay but sometimes doesn’t actually stop to check on me. i’ll say aren’t you going to even check on me? when i’m crying and trying to explain how much something hurts, he’s like sigh, are you though? sometimes has smirked, laughed, or acted like he wants the conversation over with.

actual arguments about things he has done to hurt me he will actually say “just want this convo over with”.

i have a horrible panic disorder. a lot of anxiety and discomfort from life and he low blowed. i come from a bad childhood. he has told me to “go take 50 panic meds to feed my addiction”. I am prescribed <10 every few mo. most of them are used bc of his behavior. it was hurtful, knowing the things i’ve experienced as a child

while discussing my recent health flare stuff, he told me that if he were paralyzed from the waist down and unable to do anything for himself, he’d hope i would off myself long before many years went by. that it’s no life to life for anyone and anyone would want to. i told him that’s deplorable, how horrible he could think such things. and he will shrug in my face, smirk and go “meh”

he says i never initiate sex, even though i do. often and he declines sometimes. he says that if i offer, it’s always the worst or wrong time, or once he said it seemed transactional or that i’m only doing it to appease him and keep him happy, so it doesn’t count as actually wanting him. but that said if he initiates, i somehow am in a place where i never say no. we have what id consider a decent sex life. several times a mo sometimes multiple times a week. he would never ever make me, but i feel like if i don’t take the opportunity i may never touch him. maybe the random one off hug. sometimes breaks happen of course. he always seems content w sex. one time he made a comment that a recent sex though was “oh this is just fucking it’s just sex” and he didn’t feel connected. then he later says it’s the best ever he’s so connected in tune to me.

he makes constant sexual jokes and comments. constant. nothing is ever not sexual. he brushes my face and i feel love rising in my chest, like oh he’s finally touching my face gently, but he will follow it up with something really nasty. he has told me that if he wanted to leave me to find sex, he would, so not to worry. he has said things that make me feel like i’m not enough for him.

he has told me he will be waiting every day for me to be okay enough to try a threesome with a man. this is something he used to push more, the idea will come around every few years, how he wishes we could have threesomes w men or women etc. he has some additional interests that he will be excited to discuss but if i bring up on my own, he will get extremely defensive and weird about it. i don’t want to be pressured into sexual experiences i don’t want. i want to feel desired as his wife, not like i’m failing to provide something he wants. but he will be like “i’ll never bring it up again, im not into it, blah blah” and then it’ll somehow be brought up in the most sneaky way.

he has also said that if we divorced, he would have tried to give me everything and it still wouldn’t have been good enough. how i got everything but he wouldn’t let me suffer. how he hopes we could still be best friends. if i try to sit and discuss a genuine ending though, he will say he doesn’t want to, he wants to “work on himself, fix things, fix us”

i just don’t get it. i take care of our children, im a good mom, i cook, clean, manage the house, and try to make things nice for everyone. I am constantly cleaning. cleaned the entire house, bathrooms, floors, dishes, toys, and walls, then made homemade sourdough bread and dinner. i’ve come home to messes left behind, only to have him point out a single unwashed pan and ask, “what the hell, mom?” before realizing it came clean easily and saying, “oh, it came right off. i guess you didn’t do anything wrong.” he’s said he doesn’t appreciate me taking care of the kids because he doesn’t see it. it’s just an everyday thing. but if i leave and return after only hours it’s a complete disaster in the house. like dishes everywhere things everywhere. i once made dinner, and he was upset saying that i only ever make chili and things “dumped into a pot”. i love to cook. i make all kinds of food and have a food ig even. it was a weird and misplaced comment

he will list everything he’s spent money on me for over the years. says he is resentful. includes births, or a breast surgery he really wanted and the later removal because of a horrible capsular contracture. years later he is asking me to do it again while being upset about the money. this upsets me bad, feeling why are you holding things over my head financially all the while I have plenty of things I could say. but I can be crying and shaking. sometimes he smirks and laughed. he said he was numb, feels he has no emotion, and “will become more that way over time.” he didn’t cry over family deaths, our kids births but I just thought he wasn’t overly emotional. not “none”

later, he apologized and said money was why he’d been behaving so badly. we are having trouble financially and he said he felt bad about all the shitty things he’d said and wanted to stop being so fucked up. later that same evening, he asked me to unlock porn. we had set boundaries bc he kept taking it too far. short version, HE asked me to re block it (have texts begging me) that he can’t handle it. we decided to gentle re open. only hours before i left, we had a conversation about no personal porn pages. i left, 3 hours maybe, i started having a sick panic horrible feeling and i couldn’t calm down. i went home and found he had explored the same girls porn page as someone we had had an issue with before. it felt like a horrible betrayal. he agreed to the boundary like explicitly and joyfully, how it felt too much like real life and within hours of that convo and me leaving he had crossed boundaries. he told me he knew i’d see it and didn’t care. he even suggested he might have done it on purpose to spite me bc he isn’t sure how he feels about his life.

i don’t know what to do with that. he asks me to help control his access, but he has also shown me that he can agree to boundaries and then disregard them anyway. so obviously larger boundaries are not to be trusted. and i don’t want to be his monitor. i don’t want to police his behavior. i want to be able to trust my husband, but obviously it’s too far gone there. there was a past incident where 10 years ago we agreed that our first 3some would be no piv, somehow days later that was broken too. our one and only experience. but i feel, if the opportunity is there its taken. if that makes sense.

so we sit and try to discuss and resolve problems. sometimes, it can be sitting and nice calm convo and he will agree and apologize and say he wants to be better. other times he becomes very dismissive, avoidant, argumentative, mean, cruel, he will start naming horrible things about me. low blows.

if i tell him i want to be here but can’t continue living this way, he responds, “yeah, you say that, but then why do you stay?” knowing I have no career, absolutely no friends no family (literally). when i’ve tried to explain how painful that is, it feels like he’s challenging me to leave rather than trying to understand why i’m hurting. he sometimes says he’s sorry, but other times says he’s already apologized or that it’s “water under the bridge.” he says he’s “always apologizing because i always have a problem, and he doesn’t want to have to think about my problems all the time.”

during a fight about money and a vehicle, he told me to stop being a fucking victim. he kept telling me he wanted space, but when i tried to give him space, he got angry about that too. when i asked where i was supposed to go, he told me idk, outside, the garage or to go the fuck to bed. we had to take a family trip bc of a passing. he introduced me to his family as “the baby maker”. when i said that was not nice, he became extremely cruel during the trip, threatened to get me my own hotel room away from him and the kids, and during the car ride home i was crying in the car and he threatened to “take me to the airport to fly home alone”. eventually, he apologized, but even afterward he kept asking what my issue was while i was simply trying to exist around him. he felt like he was justified in all of his behavior bc it was overwhelming for him.

so now the cruel comments. they’ve gotten worse.
told me to make an of to make money, then pointed out that there are millions of other women to compete against, so i probably wouldn’t make much.
said he sometimes doesn’t like me.
he has admitted that for the past few months he’s sometimes thought about being with other people sexually, although he says he would never cheat or be a cheater.
he told me i’m not womanly. i was so upset, super hurt, i said yes i am. i’m soft, tender, im a good mom, im empathetic, i like to take pretty photos. and he replied no that just makes you motherly.
he has said he wants to start over. he has said he wishes reincarnation were real so he could shoot himself and start entirely over.
when i asked whether he would find me again in another life, he got really upset that i asked the question. said his initial response was essentially that starting over didn’t mean starting over with me.

he sometimes says he wants to fix himself and our marriage. sometimes he’s gentle and patient with me. sometimes he holds my hands, hugs me, and says he doesn’t want to be done. i know there is a person i love in there and there have been really good times in our relationship. but i don’t know how to reconcile the person who holds my hands and says he wants to fix things with the person who says and does these things to me. he will say none of these things have happened. he will say he’s never said xyz thing to me before. or that i blow things out of proportion. the mind fuckery had me beginning to record our convos just so I could hear how horrible he spoke to me when i felt calm and alone. i offered therapy, and he says it’s more time and waste of money. we are busy, so busy bc of our schedules with kids and health. he knows the reality isn’t as simple as starting over but i think it’s starting to look really good to him.

how do you know when you’re fighting for a marriage versus just fighting to keep it alive? is it too far gone? do I keep trying? how do I even tell myself to stop trying? where do i even begin to get out?

Basically, I was out with my boyfriend and some of his friends at a bar recently. We were in our own conversation for a while and we took selfies together on his phone. Then, I wanted to check the photos and wanted him to send them to me so I could save them. When he went to his camera roll, I happened to see a photo from a couple days earlier, which included a pair of legs - and I asked about the photo, only to realize it was a photo of my legs.

It wasn’t a full nude, but I was only wearing panties. The photo was basically from my waist down, so you could see my face, and there were photos were my ass was facing the camera as well, so from different angles. Thing is, I never consented to those photos. He didn’t tell me he was photographing me nor did he ask if I was okay with it. As we were out with his friends then, I didn’t want to cause a scene. But we talked about it when we got home, where I expressed I wasn’t happy about that. He apologized, said he immediately felt bad when he did it but just thought I was hot and wanted to get a photo. He promised to not do it again and delete the photos.

I want to clarify that it’s not necessarily about the photos itself: it’s about how he didn’t ask if it was okay or tell me about it. It would’ve made SUCH a big difference to me had he just asked if I was okay with him taking a picture.

Even though this was a couple weeks ago, I still think about it sometimes now. Has he taken more pictures of me without me knowing? Has he done it in the past? Has he shown anyone?

I didn’t investigate this with him because I didn’t want to sound overly paranoid, but these are thoughts that have entered my mind since I saw those pictures.

Anyway, I just would like some advice on how I could start trusting him again. I don’t think it would be productive to ask him about it too much but I also don’t want to keep my worries to myself. Would be thankful for any advice.

TL;DR: My boyfriend took pictures of my legs when I was only wearing panties without me knowing it and now I’m feeling paranoid he has more pictures or continues taking them, although he apologized and promised not to. Would like advice on how I can trust him again without being toxic and asking for reassurance all the time.

I 24F have been dating my 28M boyfriend, who still lives with his parents, for almost 3 years now and it feels like he’s not making an effort to move out and be an adult.
When we started dating he didn’t disclose his living or financial situation so I assumed he lived on his own and supported himself. However, after about 6 months I became aware that he still lived at home. I was 21 and while I myself moved out at 19, I was understanding because technically I moved out earlier than a lot of people do especially in this economy. I just thought that he would eventually do what he needed to do to move out.
We both work in the service industry and I take home about 8-10k per month and he makes 2500-3500 per month. We are both self-employed, so we have complete control over our income and schedule. He says he doesn’t make enough so I’ve suggested he raise his (below-market) rates and take on more clients. He refused saying he wants to run his business his way which is why he makes so little. He also won’t get a W2 job or join the military.
I’ve asked him plenty of times when he’s gonna move out and he gives me the runaround saying that he’s working on it and he’s saving, but sometimes he says he doesn’t care to make more than he needs to survive so I’m like ???
He has no debt, I’ve helped him set up a Roth IRA but he doesn’t contribute to it, he doesn’t save money considering he has no bills at all, he agrees to go on trips he knows he’ll be scraping by to afford, he frivolously spends money on eating out everyday, always tries to buy me stuff, he sports gambles pretty much every week in amounts between 10-$100….And this all feels like a slap in the face because he spends damn near every dollar he makes on BS. But it’s okay to him because he has no other responsibilities.
He’s asked to move in with me and split half the bills but I told him no because I’m not moving in with a man who’s never supported themselves and still depends on his parents and I feel like you need to know how to be independent and figure things out on your own first before we can share a space.
I think a lot about how we are ever going to afford kids, a wedding, a house, retirement, or anything without him putting any effort towards these things. My parents and family keep asking me why is he still at home and does he have plans to leave the nest anytime soon and I always have to lie to make it seem like he’s secretly working towards it when he isn’t.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to move forward with this situation. I believe ultimatums are bad but it feels like he’s choosing to live like a lazy teenager with no responsibilities at mom and dads house instead of prioritizing supporting himself and our future relationship. Everytime I bring the “moving out” and “money conversation” up it always ends up with him getting mad and insecure about his self-inflicted financial position. Is it a lost cause? Do I give him more time? Do I give him a deadline? I really don’t know what to do as I sometimes find myself being too understanding.

TLDR: I’m ready for my boyfriend to move out of his parents house but based on his actions, he isn’t.

So we’ve been together for over 2 years and I’m about to break up with her because every time I bring up something that bothers me she shuts it down and says I’m the problem and/or is rude or sarcastic towards me for no apparent reason. this has been going on for quite some time. and I’ve tried my very best to work things out and have even called her out on her doing that and she’ll say she’s sorry but do the same thing again. I know I’m not a superstar boyfriend or anything but I do everything in my power to make her happy even though she doesn’t do the same thing for me and none of it is ever reciprocated. i made the attempt to break up with her only a few weeks ago because I caught her talking to another guy and flirting with him and she told him to come to her work and rightfully so, I was pretty pissed off. and she begged me to stay, and cried, and threw up because of how upset she was. And she talked me into staying and idk why. I knew what she was doing too which is why I feel so stupid. she was telling me what I wanted to hear and what I envisioned in our future and I told her if she would do this here, no telling what she’ll do when Im not around when she goes to college. the entire reason I bring this up is because there were these guys that were hitting on her and she told me about it and I said it was weird that happened and she kinda let it go on without shutting it down and I said that I didn’t like that and she did exactly what I said she does everytime, she was rude and inconsiderate about how I felt I have been nothing but reasonable with her this whole time and I went to the extent of buying her a promise ring as a promise to marry her. But now with everything that has happened I feel so stupid for doing that. I wanted a future with this girl and I see all these other relationships that are going amazing and these girls that I know that would treat me better than she ever has and ever would. But you have to realize also that we dated for 6 months then she broke up with me at the lowest point in my life ever. My mentor, my grandpaw had just passed away and she thought it would be a really smart idea to break up with me and then got with a new guy 2 days later so something before the relationship ended had to be going on. But we did end up getting back together about a month later and I pleaded with her to get back together with me. I’ve tried and tried to fix things time and time again but she just doesn’t seem to change and everytime I bring it up she says she’ll change but has yet to even change a little bit. Im blinded by love and I have to start thinking with my head more because I know if I don’t I’ll end up being hurt by her again, I just need some unbiased advice from you. Thanks for any of the help I can get.

So this is all going to sound pretty ridiculous but I have to say it to someone. My girlfriend would be really upset if she found out I talked about this to anyone who knows her.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. She’s 30, I’m 31.

My girlfriend quit her job about a month ago. I know she was really struggling with it for a while. It was affecting her mental health. She was really good at her job, everyone liked her, and the CEO of the company she worked for was trying to steer her into a job with a 6 figure salary, despite her not having anywhere near the years of experience they were looking for. He was trying to convince the hiring team to put her on the role anyway because he thought she was that good. She tried talking to her boss about how she didn’t feel prepared for it and how although everyone thought she was amazing at her job, it actually took a lot of effort on her part to go in and perform that well all the time. The higher paying job would have been even more stressful for a variety of reasons. She’d literally be responsible for bringing in millions of dollars for the company she worked for. She hated the idea and didn’t want that responsibility.

She was looking for new jobs for a little while. She had a few interviews and always got asked back for a second rounds, but nothing felt like a good fit for her.

About a month ago she quit her job on the spot, with nothing new lined up and with no intention of finding anything new. It’s unlike her. She’s usually pretty careful and knows people like her parents would be upset, so it was out of character.

She told me that she was just sitting there pretending to work and realized that if John Frusciante could quit Red Hot Chili Peppers on tour in Japan in 1992, she could quit her job on the spot. So she did.

She’s obsessed with John Frusciante. In love with him, if you will. Has been for years. He’s the guitar player in Red Hot Chili Peppers for those that don’t know. He quit the band for the first time in 1992 and spiraled into extreme drug addiction and most people thought he’d die.

So she quit her job to sit at home and play guitar all day and be with her pets. She quit her job to be able to spend all her time doing stuff that makes her happy. She said she read a poem and had an existential crisis, like she couldn’t spend her life working.

I mean, a big difference being John Frusciante had a lot of money until he blew it all on drugs. She is not a rock star. She doesn’t really have much savings.

She’s in love with John Frusciante, but she also legitimately admires his musicianship. She plays guitar and is obsessive over gathering all the same gear all of her favorite guys use, but he’s #1. She has an entire room filled with guitar gear. Probably 20 guitars, tons of pedals lining the walls, so many amps and speakers that they’re overflowing into the rest of her house and are used in place of tables and shelves. She’s buying expensive vintage guitar gear and although she spends all day online looking for deals, she’s still spending a lot. She’ll sell something if she needs money to buy a different thing she wants more, but she buys a lot more than she sells. She’s not in a band or anything like that. She doesn’t play anywhere, doesn’t want to. Just plays at home.

Her house is also starting to look like an addict’s den. She doesn’t use drugs, but her house looks like a storage unit exploded. Her kitchen counters are so filled with trash and junk that there wasn’t room to put 1 cup today. There’s a small path leading from her front door into her living room….and in the living room there are tons of boxes packed full of all the weird stuff she collects, stacked half way to the ceiling. Her dining room table has a mountain of stuff on it. Her house is genuinely unbelievable. The mess is unreal. It’s more than messy. It’s hazardous. She thinks it’s fine, even jokes that her house is probably worse than John Frusciante’s in 1994. A documentary was made about his disaster of a home that actually ended up burning down. Go look it up…she’s not exaggerating when she says her house is worse.

Today she texted me because she'd ordered an amp from England and couldn't physically move it into her house. I had to come over and help her. She’d basically spent all day watching clips of John Frusciante and was proud that she’d cut her toenails and shaved her armpits for the first time in a month.

She’s just sitting at home all day in her pajamas, spending money like it’s unlimited, and doesn’t seem to care.

I don't want to sound like I'm criticizing her for enjoying her freedom or for having hobbies. She's always had these interests and some of these bad habits, but she used to keep things under control and functioned pretty normally. I don’t think she’s having any sort of mental breakdown or anything like that either.

I'm also struggling with what my role is supposed to be here. I care about her, and I don't want to dictate how she spends her time or money. In a way, I’m really happy she finally did something that she wanted to do. She normally makes decisions based on what people like her parents want her to do or what she thinks she’s supposed to do, what will look good. It’s just so extreme and I don't want to become the person who has to help manage the consequences, especially if her finances run out.

How do I figure out how to handle existing along side all of this now? I don’t want to break up with her but I’m not sure what I can support and what I might need to just step away from.

We’ve been together for years now, living together for a long long time, and we’re even engaged. He’s a great man, he makes me laugh, he creates fun memories with me. He genuinely is my soulmate. But I am being eaten alive by what goes on. He’s loyal, I’d trust him with my life.
Ever since we’ve been together, I’ve been playing “mom”. I understand people are raised differently but I do everything. He may cook once or twice a month, maybe dishes once a month to surprise me (if that), practically never does laundry. It’s really up to me to make sure the house stays in order. I said I’ve needed help before and the classic phrase “just make a list” comes up.

Additionally, I am always walking on eggshells to make sure his mood stays in control. I anticipate his needs, moods, and cater to make sure they stay calm. I push down my own feelings and opinions so the peace stays. He’s never been aggressive with me, but he has smashed items, punched walls, and god forbid you see him drive. He is a narcissist driver for sure. But he doesn’t really have any outlets, no way to bring him peace. We want to go to therapists, but we’ve been financially hurting the whole relationship.

He mentions how he’d be nothing without me. I’ve threatened to break up last year, and he was really distraught. I’m the one making amends when there’s issues in the argument. When I wish someone would comfort me instead. He also could be bipolar and have ADHD. Which is perfectly ok. Our views on a lot of things don’t match. He’s extremely republican and I’m very much not.

As for myself, I want to make it clear that I’m not really looking for anyone else. I’m not thinking about this in hopes to find someone else, I hardly even crave 18+ times. I just feel that the hurting of being without him would be easier than to live this way forever.
If we ever had kids, I’d have to take care of more people, all alone.
Again he’s a good man, treats me sweetly, but I would rather just be alone than to push myself down and never see her again.
Thanks

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 8 months and overall it’s going great. He’s kind and caring and ticks all my boxes.

He was married for 6 years from 24-30 to a woman in their shared friendship group, and they separated amicably after their marriage started feeling more platonic (this is what he said directly to me). I’m not sure on the timelines but I think they were together for about a year before they got married.

They don’t share any kids but co parent a golden retriever. She is now engaged to a new man.

The thing I find difficult to deal with is that they’re still very close friends. He speaks very highly of her which I initially thought was a good sign, but they go out for lunch together once every two weeks, work together (they’re in the same industry) and text a lot. I have 0 suspicion there’s anything romantic going on, but I do think they have a shared history and intimacy that I find it so uncomfortable to see.

She is nice to me and I’m polite to her when we meet in social settings, but when we were hanging out in a group the other day and she made a comment towards him saying ‘do you remember when we went to do X?’, referencing something they did together when they were married. They also have lots of inside jokes.

How do I deal with this? Part of me just wants to walk away because it messes with my head when I see them together joking around knowing they were literally married.

She’s also beautiful, charismatic and funny and the centre of their friendship group which makes it worse because it makes me feel insecure.

I have been in relationship with my gf for last 4 years. She is my first girlfriend and I absolutely love and adore her. Problem rises when I have any complaints with her. She is the kind of person who defends herself rather than admitting and apologising even when she is at fault .

When these scenarios happen, It tend to piss me and I get over agitated and we tend to have arguments.

After such arguments, she starts complaining about how I just see problems in her and how I have so many complaints for her, how I am not happy with her or how she is not happy with me having so many complaints. It ultimately leads to talk of breaking up. Here comes the problem. I fold after hearing about breaking up even when she is at fault.

Then somehow it gets burdened onto me to fix things and makes things better and to divert the topic from breakup. I know, not the best decision. My problem is, it makes me feel so powerless in our relationship dynamics that she is the one throwing this idea of breaking up and I am the one trying to fix it even when she is wrong and I am right.

Is there a way I can fix things as I don't wanna lose her, I absolutely love her?