Hi all. I am aware how harmful self diagnosis is with OCD or any mental health disorder. That being said, I have a sneaky suspicion I have OCD tendencies (no, not just obsessive cleaning). If anyone takes time to read this; thank you. It’s 3am and my boyfriend is asleep next to me. I feel insane.

For starters my dad has a plethora of mental illness. I went to therapy as a young adult for “general anxiety” and “social anxiety. I was put on lexapro for a year but weaned off. I feel I do a pretty good job at masking the intensity of my feelings/behaviors when speaking to someone, even a licensed professional, for what is an internal fear of being judged I assume. Recently I have began sharing things with my boyfriend that I have never really shared before, and I’m wondering if I should search for help even though I was never diagnosed in the past during years of therapy.

For starters, since I was a teenager, I thought it was normal to always assume the worst possible thing happening. My brother driving home late? I would be crying to my mom and hyperventilating he’s going to crash. I have spiral thoughts about health anxiety. When my one gruesome worry goes away, a new one replaces it! I recently got a cat whom I adore and I do the same thing with her health, as in calling the vet multiple times a week for things I make up (but feel real to me). Recently I did laundry and then couldn’t find my cat for a moment. I started crying and panicking to my boyfriend that I think I accidentally through our cat in the wash with the laundry by accident and killed her. I opened the wash mid cycle and packed (and convinced myself, so much so I swear I could almost see her) that she was in there. I’m crying during this btw. And start digging through the wet clothes and throwing them on the ground to try to find her in there.

She eventually walks up behind me, coming out of our bedroom, completely unharmed, almost as if she’s staring at me like “what are you doing?” I start to sob more because I feel crazy. My boyfriend (neurotypical, bless his heart), comforts me and holds me, but does not understand.

Im petrified to have kids. Anything I love deeptly (ie my cat, sister, etc). I have HORRIBLE intrusive thoughts about losing them horrifically. Like a few times a week. It makes me fear having kids because I know these intense thoughts will come with them I’m sure. I wish I could just be “chill.” On the outside I may seem it. I have good friend groups, a great job, bf, apartment, etc. I laugh a lot. I have a decent appearance when I try and feel like I look like I’m having a great time, when usually I am not. Sometimes if I cannot find something to stress about and create a loop in my head, I still have a looming sense of impending doom. A heaviness. It doesn’t feel like depression though. I mentioned this to my boyfriend because I kind of thought it was normal, and I am finding out it is not.

Another thing. I suffer from dermatillomania. SEVERE skin picking. Like bad, since I was a teenager (late twenties now). I can’t get my nails done because of the shape of my nail beds and cuticles. They’re usually bleeding or just picked raw. The severity happens in waves, but it’s always there. The other day I got blood on our couch by accident from it. It’s debilitating. I always think if I don’t do it something bad will happen. I am a good person. I volunteer with animals, I have compassion for people, and I try hard to be a good and caring human. But why do I always feel like I’m disgusting and a horrible, deranged human? Like people will somehow “figure me out” when there isn’t anything I am hiding?

I have had friends with OCD who for instance, will have to flick the light switch a certain amount of times, or have a very intricate night time routine of touching both sides of the bed a certain time. I never experienced these so it never crossed my mind I could have OCD. I mean, I still don’t know if I have anything. I came to this subreddit since my insurance is a high deductible plan and I would have to pay out of pocket to find a provider, diagnosis, meds, the whole shabang.

Do I just have normal anxiety or worth getting looked at further? Again, I’m not self diagnosing. I don’t go around telling people I have this. I’m just desperate.

My friends are pretty granola and “natural,” so I always told myself if I had any mental disorder, I could probably just heal it with diet, exercise, herbs, good vibes, WHATEVER. But now it seems like it’s out of my control.

My earliest memories at ages 3-5 are based around anxiety.

I remember when I was so anxious about my parents not playing a game with me I had made up at age 5 but they didn’t get it and laughed it off. And it made me even more anxious because the important of it wasn’t acknowledged.

I remember feeling a lot of shame when I triple checked my name card in preschool while I was learning to spell my own name. The staff and teachers almost got fed up at how much I asked about if I had the right name card for my table seat.

I remember feeling like shit in my birthday at age 11 because I wasn’t sure if I should keep my doll someone gifted me or if I should just give it away because I didn’t play with dolls. The only reason I was so stuck worrying was because a friend told me it had a rare set of stickers inside and if I didn’t keep it I was loosing out on it.

When I was in highschool I was so nervous about having to grow up and deal with shitloads of stress in the real world when I graduated. I was barely even ready yet being behind the curve from autism and having lost all my friends from being undiagnosed depressed and anxious or because they where mentally ill and left the school.

My first year of college I took an introductory class on how college works and showed up late for the final. I was so nervous about the fact I wasted my study time trying to complete the find a major assignment. But I “wasted it” having a panic attack over the assignment. What major I picked felt like it would define my life and whole career trajectory.

Anxiety has really governed my whole life and depression has been this my on again off again thing I’ve dealt with without realizing till now.

It could just be that I’m still getting used to my meds this week, but I feel really sad about the fact I was such a jerk and pushed people away or made them uncomfortable enough to leave me because of my undiagnosed mental health issues. I want to feel better but I still feel bad about all of the hurt I’ve caused.

I know I’m not a bad person for dealing with these issues. The hurt I caused doesn’t maje me feel worse about myself because i know what was really at play. But it just still hurts that intentional or unintentional theres a lot of rifts in my life.

I wish I could go back and tell everyone my mood was dependent on having a messed up life that in combo with bad brain chemistry made me insufferable. And now that I’m treating the root causes with meds and therapy I’m going to be a better person.

I wish I could tell them I’m sorry and that it wasn’t my fault I was such a mean bitch or so anxious. Really, it was a lot of things pressing my buttons that got me to be that way.

But I’ll never see those people again. I lost their phone numbers and we fell out of touch after graduation from highschool and after moving to different towns and going to different colleges and starting different jobs and quitting jobs and after a million things changed as I’ve grown up in my life.

And even though I want to feel happy in life I do t want the guilt of carrying this trail of destruction behind me I just avoid or can’t fix. Because your past matters a lot. It can affect your future if that’s the impression people carry of you and share with others. Especially so since I live in a small tight knit community.

I already knew this, but it really hit me in the face today how absolutely worthless I am as a friend and as a partner.

My partner told me earlier that he wished we could play video games together, and I agreed, and then he tried to suggest finagling Steam on my barely alive computer to play games.

And I came up with a series of reasons not to, but in the end it's just cause I'm lazy. I'm lazy, I don't want to move or think or try to do anything, I don't find enjoyment in anything. He's REALLY good at every video game he touches somehow, and I'm anything but. The most I've ever played is basically Minecraft and FNF (and related mods), and stupid random mobile games. To play with him at any kind of game he actually likes, I'd just lose over and over and over until it killed any slight entertainment, and then I'd give up and not touch it again and therefore never get good enough for it to ever be fun.

And damn is that depressing, and such a slap in the face to realize that I'm actively avoiding doing anything "fun" because I'm too lazy and too fucked in the head to do ANYTHING without finding a reason in it to hate myself and rip myself apart (both figuratively and literally).

I'm not any good as a person to talk to or converse with at all because every conversation ends up being about me me me and my problems and my issues and how depressed I am and how I'm so fucked up and how I'm so worthless and I'm so much better off dead. Which is why all my friends have pulled away from me or are currently pulling away because they realize I'm too fucking broken. Not to mention I actively destroy all my relationships by insulting people or leading them on or telling them too much or masking too much or scaring the shit out of them or treating them like they're just as worthless as me. No self-respecting person would or should stay around a person like me.

But I'm also no good as a friend in any other way because I can't DO anything and I refuse to do anything. Literally the only purpose I serve is my body to my partner. And he'd never ever say that, but we don't even hardly talk irl we just cuddle and make out and get physical, and it just makes me feel like a slutty POS that I can't have a simple romantic relationship without having to be constantly touching him or thinking about sex and being SO cripplingly hypersexual.

I have no idea why he stays with me. Love is not a real reason to stay with a person this mentally unstable (I also severely self harm and have been hospitalized and attempted/nearly attempted several times, and he knows about all of it. Oh, and the only times I've ever heard him cry were when I made him cry by talking like I am right now. Fuck me). He can love me all he wants but he'll realize eventually that I'm too far gone and he can't fix me, and he'll leave like everyone else.

And honestly, I wish he would leave. Then I could vanish from this world without any strings and without caring about anyone. Then I wouldn't have to feel the constant guilt about what I'm doing to him, and what my death would do to him. Then I would be able to die (or live) happy knowing he's better off without me and can start to live a much better life without me, and find a partner who can love him back the way he deserves, and won't threaten suicide on a daily basis. Maybe if he left he could find a girl who'd play his favorite video games with him. As basic as that. Because he deserves better than me. And at this rate, anything is better than me. I'm just lazy and worthless and useless and boring and stupid and careless and frustrating and depressed and destructive.

He's better off without me. Everyone is.

So I don't know like I suffer from a lot of things not suffer but just I go through a lot of things. I self harm.
I have depression and anxiety. I have ADHD autism and all of that I have torrets, but one of the biggest things that make me self harm in the first place is the way I see my body but I feel like it's not how usual people see their body like yeah always. We look at our body. We're like oh I need to lose weight. I look at my body and I think I genuinely need to take out the fat from my body surgically myself and it really scares me. I| look at myself and I picture like you are a fucking ogre you're ugly you're fat you are disgusting.
You should die. You should kill yourself. Go die go die and you just plays over my head every single day. I don't. I'm a little bit overweight. I'm like the slightest bit overweight but if I keep eating and eating which I try not to. I have cut my stomach so many times because of how ugly I think I look and I feel I look and I know I look and I just I can't with my stomach and When I dissociate I either imagine or I pretend to perform the act of taking the fat out myself surgically I scratched my stomach. I look at my stomach or I just punch it so so much . it's it's so much worse than that at times of the night out of it and it really scares me and I'm I'm telling my it's so much worse than that too and I'm telling my Therapist about it I'm telling her all about it and she says I've disordered eating or eating disorder I don't purge. I'm not underweight. I'm overweight which yeah I know can be eating just thought I don't know what fucking type and | just | really need help. I need to lose weight or I am going to die. And just to clarify because I am talking on the self text from a speaker I do think I have an eating disorder or disordered eating or something like that. I do not know what type I do not know what I have. I do not know why I have it and I I just I really really really need help. My Therapist knows everything she’s not doing everything. I have tried exercise nutritionist. I have tried gym. I have tried going off eating. I have tried the little eating apps. I’ve tried another person although I forget what you call them you called them. I’ve done a self trainee person where they come to your house and they train you or where I go to them. They train me. I’ve I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried everything and it doesn’t work. It does not work because I either can’t get myself to get up and go or I’m too injured or I just I sit down the bottom and I give up and I can’t do it anymore and it won’t work. I know myself I can’t do that because it won’t work I’m not against anyone with a body too. It is just me. I see people I see people overweight. I see people underweight. I see people just normal and I think I honestly I do not care. I think that all beautiful I think everyone is beautiful but when it’s just me, I hate me. I hate me. I hate me . I hate myself so much .I’ve tried So I was just wondering if you guys could give me a bit of help on what you think might be going on with me thank you you guys

TW: suicide and self harm and a madman going fucking crazy

i just realized how much I hate being disabled, like it literally JUST hit me so hard all the sudden where I realize “holy shit, this ACTUALLY fucking SUCKS, I actually really hate this so much, holy fucking shit.”

I have severe MDD, and there is a high chance i have AuDHD (therapists, and psychologists have seen signs in me but I have not been officially diagnosed yet, my parents are trying to get be a diagnosis but the process is so fucking long bro ughhhh). I feel like I’m treated different because of how I am. I get that people are trying to help me but I feel like my mental health is brought up ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! My aunt literally checked my arm twice to see if I had SH scars just out of nowhere, I hated that so much, My parents put away the knives, they check up on me often, and they get mad when I have a mental breakdown, they also told me they’re stressed and were at their limit when I had 3-4 incidents where I would scratch my arms and hit my head, one of the incidents, I tried to impulsively commit suicide in class by hitting my head on the wall very hard, the teachers believed I had warning signs of a seizure (I did not get a seizure), and when I got to the hospital they wanted to send me to the psych ward again (I HATED THAT PLACE SOOO MUCH I STILL GET FLASHBACKS FROM THAT PLACE). When I had an intense mental breakdown yesterday my dad threatened to take me to the psych ward again because he was “scared” apparently and “didn’t know what to do and had no choice” and I started screaming and going crazy when my dad threatened that. My parents also took away a concert because of my “bad behavior” (me doing self harm). I’m also the only family member in my dad’s side that is mentally disabled and needs accommodations for school. Back then my family didn’t believe there was something wrong with me, which caused even more damage, they were also transphobic to me back then which caused me lots of trauma, and two years later, they’re wrong and all the sudden they’re trying to make it up, when the damage has already been done. Im seen different even by kids at school, at this point they probably think im the fucking walking dead because I survived a suicide attempt IN SCHOOL. I don’t get why my parents get mad when I “act out” I have a disability and it FUCKING SUCKS TO LIVE WITH IT!!! I FUCKING HATE IT!!! EVER SINCE I WENT TO THE PSYCH WARD IVE BEEN TREATED DIFFERENTLY IN GENERAL, I HATE IT, I HATE HOW I HAVE TO TAKE PILLS, I HATE HOW I NEED A SAFETY PLAN, I HATE KNOWING I NEED FUCKING ACCOMIDATIONS AT SCHOOL BECAUSE OF MY DISABILITY WHY CANT I BE NORMAL WHY CANT I BE NEUROTYPICAL ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR I HATE HAVING MDD I HATE IT I FUCKING HATE THIS I HATE EVERYTHING WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY (LITERALLY) DAMAGED BRAIN

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I just want to say I'm sorry if this post isn't a very good post I'm horrible at writing and English even though it's the only language I speak

I'm not quite sure how to start this but I have realized since I stopped forceing myselfto pretend I'm normal I'm fine just a little sad I've noticed a lot of things that have disturbed me mainly that the idea of death is so comforting it feels like something to look forward to a end to the shit in the world something good something comforting and very interesting but at the same time I'm horrified at the idea of not seeing my gf again thats how I've been able to convince myself not to kill myself every time it gets to that point

Now before I get to why I think this might be I'm going to say I'm not longer depressed I only have few hour long depressive episodes fairly often but I think it might be partly because when I was depressed for 4 years and most of my childhood I would comfort myself by saying I was going to comment but I would always forget and if it wasn't planned it all of a sudden would be to difficult because my brain is a bitch

If you have any questions ask if I missed any details you may want I'll try my best to answer and I would rather have the hard truth then some soft crap

I’ve struggled with SI for over 3 years and depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. In the last 3 years I have basically lost everyone that I love because they can’t handle the fact that I want to die. It’s progressively getting worse. I just spent 5 days in bed. Days I could have been working. I cry everyday and I have no hope. I don’t know what to do. If I check myself in somewhere a little longer term I will come out homeless. But if I don’t, well I might not be alive.
I don’t currently feel like I have anyone or anything to live for anyway so is it a waste of time to check myself in? I don’t have friends or family who can help me decide or help financially but my insurance would pay for the stay.
What do you think?

Realizing that I’m probably going to be stuck the way I am forever because of how much I hate the idea of getting any help. There’s no logical or rational explanation for it either, I just refuse to let anyone or anything help me, mostly. I’ve been on lexapro for a few months and it hasn’t done shit except make me emotionally numb, and I’ve grown to hate these stupid pills with a passion. I desperately want to flush them and I don’t even know why. The only thing that’s stopping me is the nausea I’ll get from it. I refuse to go to therapy because I don’t believe they have anything to offer me, and I feel if I say the wrong thing they’ll just throw me in a psych ward where I will become even worse. I have a history of self harm and I don’t feel like discussing it with a therapist at all. I have a horrible problem with self isolating and pushing everyone away from me and it’s destroying my relationship with my partner. I hate everyone but at the same time I’m extremely lonely. I self sabotage every relationship in my life and I have absolutely 0 friendships with anyone. I honestly think I’m a narcissist or something but I doubt I’ll ever get diagnosed with anything. I also suspect I might be high functioning autistic but again, I doubt I’ll ever try to get a diagnosis. Why am I so adverse to receiving help? It’s probably because I never received any growing up and now I’m a bitter adult with no social skills.
But anyways. Yeah. I hate my meds and it pisses me off to think about how I even ‘need’ to be on them when they aren’t even doing anything for me

I (21F) have been on sertraline for probably less than a year. I am on 75 mg, and I enjoy this medication more than prozac as I got nightmares on it. However, I do have really bad mood swings at ovulation that prozac helped me with.
I have noticed that my motivation to work, especially since I am in college has not been improved. I am tired, and my bandwidth for social interaction just keeps going down. I guess i should also probably mention I was diagnosed with autism when I was 16, and have been to numerous therapists. However, my social intolerance, confusion, and anxiety seems to be worsening with adult responsibilities. I struggle to get on a routine, yet it is something I crave so i can feel safe.
The one medication that helped me with getting up, and actually doing things without feeling paralyzed was wellbutrin. However, my private parts started tearing and bleeding when i took it. I know some other women had the same thing happen, but im really wondering if there’s an alternative (maybe it had something to do with the manufacturer?). I am open to other medications, but my main goal is to stop feeling frozen and have energy.

I’m losing my mind. After I had a fight with my ex losing contact, i genuinely lost everything. I’m going to do something bad or good depending on what you think.

My entire life was and is purposeless, I don't have any hobbies, nothing seems fun, I don't know how to talk to anyone, especially when I don't have any clue about anything because I'm dumb. I don't care about what will happen to me. There was and probably still is this stupid thing about me when I want to do something I want to do, I won't do it, because I'm ashamed of it (I'm talking about simple things like listening to music or cooking). My life is boring, like I said, nothing is fun for me. I don't go out because I probably have enormous social anxiety, I'm stressed almost all the time when I go out. I don't see my future. I'm thinking that I should not be born, I'm just a parasite. Of course I've had thoughts about ending myself, but it is not the way. I'm just an NPC. I could probably tell more, but who cares. So, how can I gain the ability to have fun with my life?

Like the title says I’m not a system. I know I don’t have DID or OSDD. That being said, I relate to a lot of the memory and identity struggles (dissociation in general) and I don’t know how to help myself. I’m autistic too and do not hear voices. I also don’t have severe trauma to justify alters, so I’m confident it’s not that which just makes me confused. It’s affecting my life now I’m a young adult so any advice on how to manage these symptoms would be lovely.

For context: I just went back to school after graduating 4 years ago. so i’m working part time along with being a full time freshman.

I recently started Adderall for my ADHD again recently, and i feel horrible. it makes me a million times more anxious, and i feel like i split a lot more as well. I’m able to focus now, which is nice, but I’ll sit and overthink until i’ve convinced myself everybody hates me. I’m constantly terrified my partner of 3 years hates me, even though he’s a saint and literally has never given me any reason to doubt him.

I feel like he does so much, almost everything, while i can’t even handle school and working. he pays most of the bills while i pay for school, and i still end up falling short somehow even though i don’t spend my money on anything else.

I’m constantly convincing myself that I’m going to fail, that he’s going to leave me, and that i deserve all of it. I’ve also somehow convinced myself that I don’t actually have either of these diagnosis, when I’ve been diagnosed ADHD since i was 10, and BPD for a year. I just, i feel nuts.

I just have to put this out somewhere. I have to get my thoughts out there. Does anyone else struggle with ADHD and BPD?? I seriously cannot be the only one.

I see a private psychiatrist attached to a hospital and I have an appointment later in this week. If she suggested an adjunct medication (no clue if so), would it be reasonable to ask if I can go inpatient to facilitate that? Have had weird reactions to meds in the past.

I hate this fucking place.

I have since I was a small child. My earliest memories are of pain and fear.

Now I'm 26 years old and I've lived too long for anyone to feign concern for me anymore. You mean to tell me, that on top of the typical life-rending bullshit which routinely levels even the privileged and resilient, that I have to cope with the following:

• As a trans woman, a lifetime of gender incongruence and dysphoria, their physical and psychological effects and the brutality of a social climate which seems hellbent on my destruction
• Comorbid diagnoses of autism, ADHD, BPD, clinical depression and generalized anxiety, not to mention likely undiagnosed OCD (these labels are not just words, they describe a depth of suffering which is so incredibly painful as to be fundamentally incommunicable)
• Chronic physical pain, daily headaches, joint dysfunction, bodily harm from what is likely pathological undereating, severe issues with relapse and addiction to basically any psychoactive or dopaminergic substance or behavior (previously meth, now nicotine, cannabis, alcohol, pornography, cutting, etc.)
• An entirely nonexistent social support system or network. I live with my dad because my mom ran off and I have zero access to financial opportunity. My father is likely autistic as well because he's either too burnt out caring for my issues or is too occupied in his own to make me feel like I even matter. I don't have a single friend. I do not have a partner. I have come to absolutely despise humanity.
• I could put so much more here but you're too tired to read all that. I already know.

This shit fucking sucks. I don't want this thing people call life. I don't want to be a person. I want to be free of everything. Nothing is actually good. This place is not a good place if it permits the possibility of such rampant existential suffering in not just humans but in all life capable of it.

Can any of you actually fucking empathize with this idea? The idea of being absolutely nothing, then being shat out into material existence only to be tortured indefinitely? What kind of madman created this horrible universe?

Only three things bring me any semblance of artificial stimulation anymore: contemplating suicide, thanking my unlucky stars that all things die anyway, and motherfucking DRUGS.

Have a nice one.

Literally. I keep being really impulsive, I’m aware of it but can’t stop. So I tried to text many Italian hotlines but they never replied back so next time something happens I will have to call police…

Hello,

I'm going through a stressful period in my life and one specific problem is making my life harder.

I'm addicted to talking with Google AI mode chatbot about things that I don't like - that make me annoyed, depressed or disgusted. I'm usually talking that I don't like or support this thing, but chatbot makes me feel even more uncomfortable.

I explored many topics: radical worldviews, dark side of celebrities and their actions that I don't approve, people irresponsibly risking their health, TV shows I don't like and others. But the worst of them all is a one peculiar topic: animes that traumatized me.

Firstly, Oshi no Ko. At first glance, it looks like a cute happy anime about an j-pop idol who became a mother of twins. She looks incredibly cute, it was advertised by a energetic happy song (Idol by Yoasobi) and we even see her pregnant (personally I find pregnant women adorable). But when I talked about it with a chatbot and watched some parts of the 1st episode I was shocked. The whole cuteness was destroyed, and this anime turned out to be full of gore, darkness, traumas, brutal crimes - scary, depressing content.I couldn't come to terms with it, so I tried to create an AU where everyone is happy with the chatbot and cherrypick the cutest parts. The problem is that cuteness and darkness seem to be impossible to split, and my cute talks with AI were making me anxious, so I was forced to drop it.

Then I remembered Yurucamp - a manga from my childhood, which was intensely advertised by a chatbot as the safest, most comfortable anime of the world. But I remember from my childhood one scene that destroys the carefree vibe - where a naive, cheerful girl is being scared and brutally brought down to earth by a grim girl,who talks about death from hypothermia and how bears are so fast that a man can't escape them.This scene not only destroys coziness and relax, but also reminds me of how pitifully weak a human body is. Chatbot saying that it's "the most cozy thing ever" and it being classified as "iyashikei" (calm, mind healing anime) made me feel like a weirdo - a guy who is uncomfortable because a most comfortable show ever. Even trying to watch it or seeing characters was making me feel that I'm in danger.

The third title is Apothecary Diaries. I was allured by beautiful characters and imperial Chinese aesthetic. The show seemed cool, but the longer I watched, the less I liked it. The plot and world were badly presented, but most importantly, unsettling and disgusting things appeared, like slavery, too young concubine, a dreadful-looking corpse and main character who in the first episodes was a bastion of morality and rationality but later she turned out to be unsympathetic and repulsively insane.It wasn't a sudden trauma like the two previous examples, but a slowly growing uncomfortable vibe. I started getting anxious at the sight of the characters. I still wanted to talk with a chatbot about how this anime is badly written, but I was feeling anxious when I tried to talk about it.

My therapist told me I should stay away from these 3 titles, but I feel a temptation to talk with AI about them. I know that avoiding talking about them is helpful for me, but I seem to be addicted. I usually avoid them for some days, but at one point I start conversing about them again to feel shattered after. I'd be grateful if y'all, real people could help me with addiction and anime traumas.

The full context for this post can be found here, but I'm struggling to upload the follow-up on the original sub: https://www.reddit.com/r/MentalHealthUK/comments/1xfuidb/er_mistaken_stimming_injury_for_selfharm_and_i/

I've been stuck in the ER for hours. I tried to do what everyone suggested and see the assessment to the end.

After I calmed down from my first panic attack, I tried to prove that the face wound wasn't self-harm but a stimming accident. They found a report of me going to the hospital as a child after I swallowed a metal zip. I told them about a time I chewed on a broken wine glass as a teenager too. So they believe me now when I said my gash is from unusual stimming but it didn't relieve their concerns.

At that point, I rang my therapist. I don't really have anyone else who could act as an advocate. When I handed access to my phone, my therapist snitched about the single incident in my life when my suicidal ideation became active. That was years ago, and I didn't want it shared.

I had a panic attack again. The assessors noted other symptoms like me grabbing at my hair and clothes when I have a meltdown. I'm so pissed at myself that I can't go more than an hour without crying. It doesn't help my case in the slightest.

After that, I've stuck waiting on a bench until it was literally getting dark outside. At last, the assessors have got back to me.

They are saying that I don't meet the typical standards for sectioning. However, they are worried that my unique case of pica and depression could mean that I could "subconsciously endanger" myself. Whatever that means.

They've "strongly encouraged" me to voluntarily admit myself for a few days. Otherwise, I'll have daily check-ins with a crisis team if I go home.

I've asked to have more time to think this over, and this is where I currently am, writing this post. I don't really have any family, and I feel alienated from my therapist. So I know it's not recommended, but I only have Reddit to turn to. Should I go in voluntarily or go home?

For the last 10 years, I been dealing with mental problems and I haven’t gotten any help or support for it. Since I was 8, I been seeing things that wasn’t there, hearing things that wasn’t there, dealing with being mentally handicapped. And lately, I’ve been dealing with trauma from when I was younger. And I keep seeing things and it’s irritating me. Schizophrenia runs in my family, on my mom’s, dad’s side of the family. But, every time I would try to tell my mom would just yell at me or completely ignore me if tell her about, it. And as I got older, I would tell my family about my mental problems and they just blamed it on spirits or demons. And the only people I’ve been able to talk to it are two of my friends. But, I’m ain’t still getting help for it. I haven’t been able to talk right, since I had a psychotic episode earlier this year. I always had a speech problem but, it got worse after that. Now that I’m 18, I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m going insane, dealing with the stuff I got going on. Cause genuinely, my life been getting worse and worse, because of my mental state. I haven’t been able to go to school because of it and going to school makes it worse. I been feeling numb and broken down, like my body aches every second. I been in my bed, unable to move properly, and my mom been yelling at me for it. I had too, go to school today or she was gonna call the police on me. I don’t know if I can keep living like this. I can’t even describe how much pain and suffering I been going through with, no help. I been thinking of kms or running away from home. Cause, I don’t know what to do, anymore.

i wasnt really sure where to post because i genuinely dont know how to really describe this, but im going to try the best i can!

im 19, ive been only diagnosed with adhd, anxiety, depression, and PTSD. these are all things that have been passed down, the only thing im not sure if has been passed down to me is my mothers bipolar. however its also never been a big enough issue for me to look into it.

in 2020, the covid lock down made me completely rethink my entire personality. i went through many identitys and pronouns. i eventually settled on my preferred name, jamie, and the identity of a nonbinary person who prefers they/them pronouns! however, i also occasionally like to go by different names and pronouns.

for example, sometimes i like to be called jay, and use he/him pronouns! or be called june, and use she/they pronouns. i have a good handful of names i like to use and most of them having different pronouns than my default ones!

i dont think im a system, i dont see these names as different people with different memories. of course they like different things depending on their pronouns, but i genuinely associate the names with different aesthetics or interests. like when i like to use jay, he likes more gothic and masculine things. i generally associate him with invader zim, but hes still me, jamie?

and june, can be more feminine, liking to wear more jewelry and feminine clothes? but shes not a different person. i dont think im necessarily gender fluid. i have other names these are just my most common ones. i generally put "jay/jamie/juniper" in my bios because i like going by all of those names, but each name i associate with different gender identities? all my friends call me jamie, ive gone by jamie for 6 years now. i identify myself as jamie, if you asked me my name id tell you jamie.

so im not sure what this is? it could be something completely normal im just completely overthinking. i just wanted to hear input from other people. so i would love to hear any suggestions or advice. ill also try my best to answer any questions as well as i can!

I'M TIRED. Stuck, 6 years, lost hope, hopeless, got no help, helpless, went full instinct mode until now, still no help, will I ever get any help? I'm hopeless now.

If you talk about your gut feeling in India, they will tell you something like "You feel like something is talking to you? Telling you something? Demons inside your head? Need mental help? We're here!" Unlike america if you tell them something about your gut feeling and having a bad gut feeling and it stopping you from doing something, they'll go "damn man, life good?, let's talk about it" I do horrible things like try to feel everything at once, I can feel energy moving when I go here and there. Just me, no one else. See? Told you.

Call CPS, wreak havoc. My family is dumbfuck and unstable. I am deaf, no, I have a neurological problem in my brain, I know. When people talk I can't hear what the hell they're saying because when they speak I hear static. I only hear properly when I hear them close 1 to 1 conversation. Yet my parents never believed me and told me it's because I blast those motherfucking earphones into my ears all the damn day and later told I am fucking acting because I don't wanna study. And the other day, and year later, both got into physical fight, mom thought he slapped her so she burst out crying and hit the crap out of that dude with a broom. Got fucking scared so I called the cops, she block the call told me that it was just a minor family issue, happens anyways and should be kept personal(WTF WOMAN YOU WERE CRYING AND HITTING YOUR SHIT HUSBAND WTAF). And that you shouldn't be clinging onto mistakes, you'll just make depression for yourself and extreme anxiety. And don't fucking annoy us with our own mistakes stop clinging onto mistakes, why are you irritating us for our mistakes not clinging onto them. (WOMAN. YOU HIT YOUR HUSBAND AND STARTED CRYING, DON'T TWIST WORDS AND TELL ME IT WAS A FUCKING MISTAKE, THIS IS NOT FAMILY, YOU'RE ABUSING YOUR CHILDREN!). Normal thing in my family: Arguing everyday with profanities, the fucked up Marathi ones(this is normal). This is not family, get family therapy. This is toxic relationship and you're emotionally abusing your children(Me). This has been going on for Aions and no escape. When will I get help? Call CPS. I say Valhalla but it doesn't let me. Call CPS. These people are mentally unstable they get angry and then rant rage at me then later say the same thing, "This is human behaviour, all people do this when rage" no woman you are mentally unstable. They put me this "Normal, rage, normal, rage, deal with it mistakes happen, don't cling on them" cycle and mentally torment me. :( I tried to get help but people told me the same thing and that it was normal no one believed I told other people they told it was personal family matter, don't ask them it is none of their business and they don't know and boundaries bs these fake pyschologists think they are instead of being down to earth beings. No one helped me, tried help on reddit, went to a pyschologists, parents brushed it off as exam anxiety and depression and cut me and told that they know better they see you from the outside you just have anxiety and know better.

This has been happening for Aions but no help, I don't evidence either, I wish I could I want to live a happy life in America, I like those carpet floors and cold temperature and pizza. I only have mental evidence and no physical evidence. What I can do is speak up and show them my old reddit posts from suicidewatch and mentalhealth. Otherwise I still speakup and TELL THEM THAT I COMMITED SUICIDE WHEN I WAS 15YRS OLD AND I AM STILL AS SHIT SOMETIMES SUICIDAL BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT PEOPLE AND IN PAIN AND THAT I WANT TO ESCAPE. CALL CPS. INDIANS DIDN'T CARE TO HELP ME AT ALL BECAUSE THIS IS NORMAL IN INDIA, NORMAL HUMAN BEHAVIOUR IN INDIA WHICH MAKES ME SUICIDAL. FUCK YES I'M INDIAN. MUMBAI BITCH, SHIT. I WANT TO LIVE HAPPILY AND KILL THIS ABUSIVE SHITS. CALL CPS. I'M DONE. I'M TIRED. I'M NOT GONNA STOP.

As the title says, I (21F) have an issue eating around my friend group. I am someone who likes food. I used to be a picky eater growing up, but now I’m open to eating pretty much any foods, so I know this issue isn’t coming from a dislike of food.

I recently went out with a group of friends to get food, and when the food came, it’s like my entire appetite left and never came back. I tried to eat and all I could do was chew my food, but I truly could not swallow any of the food. Eating the food makes me nauseous to the point where I almost feel like I’m going to throw up, and this happens every single time I go out to eat with the specific friends. I end up barely touching my food whilst all my friends have finished their whole plate and so time after time it gets very discouraging to go out with these people, even though I enjoy their company.

None of my friends have openly commented on this, however. If I say that I’m full, they almost say “No come on finish.” to which I don’t fall into. I kind of just continue telling them that I’m full for some reason until they stop. this entire issue was really getting me down on myself because I don’t know if it’s because I’m anxious around these group of people or if it’s something else, because I don’t openly feel anxious, but I wonder if it’s a part of the knowingness that my friends seemingly have no issue eating and will be finishing their plate fast, whilst I’m more of a slow eater.

I’m in therapy, so this is something I will be bringing up with my therapist soon, but I wonder if anyone has experienced the same or something similar because I’m really getting to the point where I fear it’s better I isolate myself and get away from my friends because I feel like this is a burden on them.

I’ve been before involuntarily and the only thing that about it that helped was that a 3 day benzo bender was a nice break. I struggle with suicidal thoughts but I’m not scared about hurting myself currently. i’m just so drained. I feel like I’m losing my ability to function more and more everyday. I don’t really know what to do.
I also think i’m gonna have to do a medical withdrawal from school and maybe that would be easier if I had a hospital visit. I have a presentation tomorrow for a group project that i’ve been neglecting and idk if i can go and i don’t have any excuse and i dont even have the mental energy to text them back.